When you have left a domestic abuse relationship, the "No Contact Rule " is one of the most important things you can put in place.  This is of course is only completely possible when there are no children involved in the relationship.  Where you have children please contact the National Domestic Violence helpline http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/ for advice on how to handle communications.

What I found when I ended my domestic abuse relationship was that my ex tried everything possible to contact me and this seems common amongst most domestic abuse perpetrators.  As controllers they find it very hard to accept that you have escaped their control. Control is something they crave, and they will do anything to get this control back. 

There are various tactics they may use, so I'll run through a few of them:

Return of the Prince Charming Act

At first they may try and remind you of the initial honeymoon period when they were doing their best Prince Charming impression and everything seemed too good to be true (mainy because it was!).  So don't be surprised if after leaving you are swomped with telephone calls, love letters, poems, emails, texts begging for you back and gifts galore. 

Throughout this period its important to remember that whilst they can act Prince Charming - they can only keep it up for a limited period and once you return the abuse will increase and get worse, as they'll want to "punish" you for daring to leave them in the first place.

The best way you can respond to the Prince Charming Act is to ignore it.  Don't answer the calls, don't respond to emails, texts, letters. This goes against what you would normally do as a caring person but remember you are not dealing with a normal break up you are dealing with a manipulatve domestic abuse perpetrator.


The Sympathy Act - Playing the Victim

Once the Prince Charming Act hasn't worked and they realise that you meant it about ending the relationship they will try and play on your caring nature some more and go for the sympathy card. Don't be surprised if at this point they reveal some childhood abuse that "made them this way" or they may claim to be suffering from a mental illness such as bipolar. 

The important thing to remember is whatever may have happened to them before (if they are telling the truth) is NOT an excuse for the abuse they bestowed on you.  A lot of people have bad childhoods and choose to treat people the right way.  If they have said they have a mental illness, ask yourself if this "illness" only ever was directed at you.  If they were normal at work and with everyone else, and the horrible side was only directed at you then the reality is that the "mental illness" is just another excuse for them to avoid responsbility of the abuse they subjected you to.

They may during this guilt trip suggest that they cannot live without you and imply that they're suicidal.  Obviously if you are concerned contact someone who knows them, or the police - their lives are not your responsibility.

The best way you can respond to the sympathy act is to ignore it.  Don't respond in any way.


The Changed Man Act

Even though they haven't been able to change up till this point, once you've left your abuser may promise that he's changed or that he will change and is going to get help.  Please be aware that for a domestic abuse perpetrator to change it would take tens of years of specific counselling for it to work.  Even people that work with perpetrators admit that true change is rare, and some pretend to change just to get their victim back, and then the abuse starts up again, and is worse.

The best way you can respond to the changed man act is to ignore it.  Don't respond in any way.  Instead get yourself a copy of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men", it won't take long to read and you will relate to it that much that you'll say it could be written about your ex.


The Manipulator

Once he's realised that he can't get to you directly, he will move onto your friends and maybe even loved ones.  He will repeat the first three acts: Prince Charming, Sympathy and Changed Man act to them.  Unfortunately they will not have experienced the full effect of his abusive personality, so don't be surprised if your previously supportive best friend suddenly tells you to give him another chance as secretly he's been in contact working on her sympathy.

Of course the manipulation may take other forms and you might find your ex spreading untrue rumours about you, many of which ironically will be things that he did within the relationship, this is what people refer to as "projection".

Hopefully you will already have blocked him on facebook and all other social media as pretty soon after he has realised its definitely over he will be posting pictures of him and his latest victim (which he probably already had lined up) - manipulatng everyone to think that it must have been you as who was the problem, as he is happy with someone else and has "moved on".

The best way you can respond to the manipulator act is to ignore it.  Don't respond to him in any way.  For the people you really care about that he's been working on tell them that ending a domestic abuse relationship is not the same as ending a normal one and he is just acting out typical things that a perpetrator does. Suggest that if they really want to help and support you they should also read Lundy Bancroft's book and they should also break all contact with him.  For any other people that are friends with him and more likely to pass him infomration on you - apply the no contact rule with them aswell.  All these people should be blocked on social media like your ex.

Whatever tactic he takes do not give in and meet up with him as this could potentially be disastrous.


The Fear Factor

The fear factor will have been present through out the relationship. Your abuser may have been able to swop from looking at you with "love" to looking at you like he wanted to kill you with ease.  He may have got into jealous fights over you or threatened men who dared to look at you "his property".  He may have threatened to kill you or hurt your family if you ever left.  Women are most vulneable to serious attacks from their domestic abuse perpetrator around the time of leaving which is why its so important to get advise from Womens Aid, Refuge or your local domestic abuse charity to plan a safe way out.

He will also use fear in a different way by chipping away at your personality, independance and confidence so that you fear that you can cope in the big wide world in a life without him...but one thing is for certain - you can cope...and you will be a lot happier for it.

The fear can continue after you have left and this is when the stalking and monitoring may step up a gear again.  This is another reason why the "No Contact Rule" is vital. 

You will need to take steps to protect yourself, and here are a few suggestions:
1.  Change your passwords on any email/ social media accounts you had that he may have gained access to.
2. Block him and his family and people he is close to on all social media.
3. Restrict your profile for any joint friends that you want to keep on facebook.  Don't accept any new facebook friend requests unless you know who they are.
4. If you are still living in the house or you had seperate houses - change your locks.
5. Decline invites to any social occassion he is invited to - this may seem unfair but its really not worth the risk and seeing him would only bring back bad memories.
6. If you work for the same company, inform Human Resources and ask them what their Domestic Abuse policy is to see what they can put in place to protect you.
7. If he ever turns up on a night out ignore him, make sure your friends always stay with you, inform the bouncers and if he gets too much call the police.
8.  NEVER let him in if he turns up at your house.
9.  As repeated throughout this blog don't reply to calls, texts, emails etc.
10. Do keep a log of every time he has atempted to contact you with dates and times, and keep voicemails, texts and emails.  If any of these threaten violence don't hesitate in calling the police.

As I learnt last year you will also come across people in general life or on social media sites who display traits typical of a bully and/or an abusive personality. These people will manipulate,lie and play the victim to get their own way and the "no contact rule" is the best advice to use for them too.

I would love to be writing this with an observation that the number of women killed in domestic abuse murders had dropped but sadly this isn’t the case.

I would love to be able to say that women now seem to have a greater understanding of what makes a domestic abuse perpetrator, but alarmingly the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy has damaged the ability of women and girls seeing this by romanticising all the traits that we should be warned about.

I would love to say that the media and the courts treat domestic abuse victims fairly and understand the complex nature of this hideous crime…unfortunately the disgusting treatment of witness Nigella demonstrate how more than often it’s the victim that is put on trial rather than the abuser.2013 has demonstrated how much things need to change.

2013 has shown me from a domestic abuse awareness campaigners perspective that there is a huge need for education from a very early age in schools to prevent teens suffering in abusive relationships.  We need to teach early to prevent the ingrained opinions that somehow domestic abuse is a “private matter” or that the victim must have done something or said something to make the abuser act that way.  We need to act early so that young impressionable girls who may be reading books like 50 shades don’t think that having a powerful, controlling man who tells them what to wear, what to eat, demands to know everyone they talk to, monitors their emails etc is in any way “romantic” or “sexy”.  They need to be made aware that this is domestic abuse – and in real life relationships like this kill 2 women per week in the UK.2013 has had its ups and downs as a campaigner.  

At the beginning of the year I had what I thought was an invincible team of women around me all campaigning for the same cause.  My low point this year was when I was let down badly by one person I had trusted to be part of the group and had agreed to her joining as admin on a twitter account I had been working on.   This individual developed a campaign of hatred against another DV campaigner and lost sight of the cause that we had believed she was fighting for aswell  (which was to unite as survivors and raise awareness of the abhorrent crime of domestic abuse).  Her focus on attacking the other campaigner was relentless and she soon turned onto me and another member of the group when we refused to join in the attack.  I had made it clear from the onset that my focus was to raise awareness not to attack others.  In her eyes it was not acceptable for us to refuse to join in with her campaign of attack and therefore she made up allegations that we were some sort of “security threat” to her and were passing information to the “enemy”.  Her  unfound allegations and ability to manipulate meant that two of us could no longer continue  working on the account that we had put a lot of hard work and effort into.  It is very revealing that as soon as we were off the account she added her full real name to the account as “co-runner” and location to her own twitter (hardly the actions of someone who is security conscious). 

Raising awareness of the abuse in 50 shades is hugely important to us, we have been tweeting since the books were published and we wanted to continue our work so we set up @50shadesisabuse which is purely focused on domestic abuse and raising awareness of the unhealthy relationship portrayed in the book.  I am proud to say that this account will never use bullying tactics to bring down other domestic abuse campaigners even if they are raising awareness in a way that we don’t choose to. The other member who runs this account is a fantastic person – she’s a domestic abuse survivor, who has endured her own real life Christian Grey, like I did.   I trust her whole heartedly to continue the hard work in the same vein as we started in the original account.  If you aren’t a follower already please follow us on @50shadesisabuse and retweet to help promote awareness.

I am pleased and very proud to say that the other women in the group we have for DV Campaigners have continued to keep their focus on raising awareness of domestic abuse.  They’re tireless in their campaigns dedicating hours of their own time with the aim of preventing other women suffering as we did at the hands of an abuser.  This amazing group of women keep me motivated and I would like to thank them for that.  I’m sure that their good work will continue into 2014 and beyond….and slowly but surely we will make a difference.


@sparkleyloo xxx

My twitter account @sparkleyloo is dedicated to raising awareness of domestic abuse and child protection issues and yet my account was suspended for the third time last week for several days.  Every time this has happened I have appealed to twitter and asked for specific reasons that I've been suspended as I cannot see any tweets that would warrant a suspension and neither can my followers. The only response I get from Twitter is a standard one saying I have broken the rules by "sending multiple unsolicited messages using the @reply and/or mention feature".  This still doesn't make any sense to me as I use twitter like every other twitter user does: I search on the hashtags that interest me and "join in the conversation" where I have something to add. It concerns me that I am not the only domestic abuse awareness campaigner that this has happened to - I know another one who has been suspended 5 times with no proper explanation.  Every day I see people using the #domesticabuse or #domesticviolence hashtags to make "jokes" about these crimes and yet these accounts still remain whilst the people actively trying to help others are silenced?

This got me thinking about why domestic abuse is still such a hidden crime and the simple answer is.....because society keeps it hidden and effectively silences the victims.  Nobody wants to hear about the frequency of domestic abuse and how high the statistics are.  If they hear about it they feel uncomfortable because they may have to acknowledge that this issue is huge.  According to World Bank data more women aged 15-44 are at risk from domestic abuse/violence and rape than from cancer, car accidents, war and malaria.  Facts like this show that all women are vulnerable to domestic abuse and this is why people ignore it - its just too scary a thought to handle.

Domestic abuse victims are silenced throughout their suffering.  Ironically the silencing starts with themselves.  The abuser will have been on a charm offensive for the initial dating period and the victim will have spent most of their time praising the abuser to all their friends and family.  They will have told them that they have met their  "dream man", "Mr Right", "Prince Charming", everything will have been perfect.  Their facebook will have been plastered with happy photos of them together, going to new places, having fun.  Once they have fallen for the abuser, the abuse will be drip fed in like a poison.  Amidst the "happy times" they will now experience some absolutely awful times.  Their instincts which were previously in tune will now be silenced with explanations they cling to like "he's under stress", "it must've been a bad day", "you always take things out on the people you love".  They will be in a constant state of confusion and won't know which side of their partner they are going to experience next...this is wear the phrase "walking on egg shells" comes from as they will be trading carefully so as not to bring out the "bad side".  Characteristics + behaviour that would have previously sent them running now won't because they are too busy silencing all those niggling doubts about their abuser with the attempted justification "I've seen how fantastic he can be so this must just be a glitch".  

During this time the abuser will have isolated them from their original support network.  The victim may not see friends and family as much as the abuser will have wanted their partner all to themselves, or may have got stroppy when they suggested  going to meet a friend for a drink, so they don't go in attempt to keep the peace.  Instead of confiding in people, the victim remains silent and keeps all her doubts to herself. 

It is only when the abuse gets worse and more frequent (which it will) that the victim will firstly start admitting to themselves that this "perfect relationship" is no longer what they have always dreamed of, but instead a living nightmare.  At this point they may reach out to a friend.  Depending on how much the friend knows about domestic abuse will depend on the helpfulness of the advise given.  In fact the victim may be advised that they stick with the partner as he must be having a tough time and it will probably pass...and again the silence continues.

The victim may then not feel able to speak up again, and at this stage their abuser may be threatening to "break their neck" or hurt them or their family if they do tell anyone.  The abuser may tell them that "no one will believe you", and their first experience of confiding in someone may have proved this.

My advise to all victims of domestic abuse is listen to your gut instinct.  Try and filter out all the empty words and promises your abuser has been saying.  Forget about the character he was at the start of the relationship...as this was nothing but an act.  Focus on how he treats you now.  Nice men don't abuse in any way, even if they are having a bad day.  Stop silencing your niggling doubts and start listening to them.  Your gut instinct is there to protect you and the minute you start to listen to it is the minute you turn a corner and can seek help to leave.  Always get advice from a domestic abuse charity or helpline as these people understand the complexity of the crime whereas your close friends may not.  Leaving requires safety planning and the experts can help you.

Unfortunately the silencing continues after the victim has escaped from the abuse.  If you speak up about domestic abuse your friends will mistake this for not being over the relationship.  The reality is completely the opposite.  For me I knew I was completely over the relationship the moment I felt able to disclose to friends that what I had actually been through was domestic abuse. I was no longer silent I had found my voice and was beginning to be myself again.  I found my voice after I had ended the relationship, and by this time felt it was pointless going to the police which is the one thing I regret.  In fact a lot of domestic abuse crimes are left unreported as the victims are fearful that they will not be listened to and won't be believed.

Like a lot of domestic abuse survivors even now 3 + years on I feel the need to raise awareness of this crime. The reason for this is quite simply to stop other women experiencing what I did.  I want to help others and wished I had read about these types of relationships before meeting my abuser as I am sure I would have seen the signs earlier.  The response I get to this campaigning is often negative.  Friends don't want you to "keep harping on about it", strangers will go as far as telling you something isn't abuse when you know it is because its something you've experienced.  However, there will always be someone who listens to what you are saying and has a rethink about the healthiness of their own relationship and that is why its worth it.

With the stats so high why isn't domestic abuse in the papers more often?  Well the truth is that domestic abuse crimes can be frequently seen in the papers but the silencing continues as they are not reported as such.  The most serious of domestic abuse crimes against a woman is her murder.  Yet when we see reports of a man killing his partner we rarely see the words "domestic abuse" or " domestic violence " in the article...... in the news the silencing of this crime continues.  Instead we are given quotes from friends saying that they had "seemed happy ", that this man was acting "out of character", that they are completely shocked that he could act in this way, that it was an "isolated incident".  Was it a "mental breakdown", was it "financial problems", did he "flip" because she was having an affair.  These are all attempts to justify what is in fact a domestic abuse crime.  No the friends may not have suspected a thing, the couple may have seemed happy because as we have seen victims do not tend to speak up about the abuse happening to them behind closed doors but it DOES happen....and the murders are the fatal results.

The press will dig deep and focus on the woman's behaviour to try and find an excuse for this brutal murder instead of acknowledging that this is an act of a domestic abuse perpetrator whose driving force is control, and taking away someone's life is the ultimate act of control.   Of course the perpetrator will also do anything to excuse this act and may tell us that it was some sort of "dreadful accident".  People who have no knowledge of domestic abuse will readily buy into this theory as it allows them to keep in their happy bubble where men just don't kill their partners. Women on twitter have also gone as far as forming groups that worship these killers, by campaigning for their innocence, attacking the dead woman's behaviours, questioning her morals whilst not thinking anything of the morals of a man who shoots his gun. They also get aggressive with the people who don't fall for this theory and attempt to silence them by getting personal and blatantly denying the experiences of people who have actually survived domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse by its very nature is a hidden crime.  I would urge anyone who has survived it to speak up and add to the growing voice of people on social networking sites who refuse to let this crime be swept under the carpet.  Add your voice to the growing number of voices who say that:

• 2 women a week being killed due to domestic violence is 2 too many.  
• 1 in 4 women suffering from it should be 0 in 4.  
• Domestic abuse perpetrators are always the ones responsible and never the victim.  
• Victim Blaming is not acceptable and only adds to the problem
  
• Domestic abuse education is needed urgently in schools before and during dating ages to teach children what it is and how to spot the signs.  
• Children need to learn what a healthy relationship is and boys need to be taught to view women with equality
• Domestic abuse should NEVER be romanticised even if it is in a "popular" book like Fifty Shades
• Domestic abuse crimes should ALWAYS be reported in the press as domestic abuse and the words used to be used more frequently in newspaper articles

The silencing is what keeps domestic abuse alive.  Speak up and end the silence.

Leaving an abusive relationship requires safety planning and I would advise anyone planning to leave to get advise from Womens Aid and Refuge and phone the helpline 0808 2000 247 to discuss you can protect yourself during this difficult process.

Once you have left - this safe guarding still needs to continue.  Abusers don't like it when their victims get away because it means they have lost control which as we know is the one thing they crave.  They will try a range of tactics to get you back, they may tell you they have changed overnight and promise you the world...these are empty promises and once you go back the abuse will continue and increase.  If you have stayed strong they may then turn nasty and try and continue the abuse on you.

Social media is one of the ways they feel they can still have control over you and subject you to further abuse and hurt.   Abusers are very devious and can even use social media to portray themselves as the victim and attempt to blacken your name.  Whether the contact is an attempt to win you back or an attempt to discredit you there is one thing that is certain....and that is that any form of contact with an abuser is not good for you.  Wherever possible you should adopt the "NO CONTACT" rule.  Obviously this is difficult if you have children in which case your communications with the abuser should be kept to a minimum and be as professional in context as possible and solely regarding the children.

Ending an abusive relationship is very different to ending a normal relationship and you have to be quite ruthless in your approach in order to stay safe and minimise the risk.  Here are some tips for staying safe online:

Email

• If you had a joint email account - delete it.  
  
• For your own personal email account, If possible create a completely new email account for yourself that would prevent him contacting you at all.  
• If this is not practical then change the password to one that he wouldn't be able to guess 
• Take him out of your contacts list so any correspondence from him will go into your spam/ junk mail.
  
• If you have any threatening emails save them in a separate email and take advise from the domestic abuse helpline and the police where necessary. Do not reply to them.

Facebook

• Remove him from your friends list and then go into "Privacy Settings", then "Blocking" and add him to your BLOCK LIST.  This will ensure that if you post on another persons wall or public profile then he still won't be able to see what you have written, and he won't be able to search for you.
  
• If you have uploaded any photos of him or of both of you together DELETE them
  
• If other people have photos of you together remove the tag of yourself, if they are your close friends you may feel comfortable asking them to remove the photo altogether.
  
• Abusers may get other people to do their stalking and monitoring of you for them so also unfriend any members of their family and their close friends
• If you have mutual friends that you want to keep, add them to your "restricted list". This can be found in "Privacy Settings" and "restricted list".  In time you may feel comfortable with them and can choose to take them off this list
• Setting up a fake account is one of the things an abuser might do so keep on your toes when accepting new friend requests, and only accept people who you genuinely know.
• Change your "Privacy Settings and tools" section.  Where it says "who can look me up? change to "friends of friends" and where it says "who can see your future posts" change this to friends.
• Do not use facebook status' as a means to get revenge on your abuser....it is futile and can go against you.  People who are unaware of the nature of domestic abuse may mistake this for some kind of jealousy and attachment to the relationship.  People love gossip and things may get back to the abuser. The abusers life solely revolves around him - nothing you can say will change this or stop him from continuing to abuse.  Focus instead of your new found freedom and restoring yourself to the person you were prior to the abuse.

Twitter

• Twitter doesn't have the same security settings as Facebook, even if you block someone your tweets are still in the public domain. If your partner knew of your twitter account my advise would be to simply DEACTIVATE the account and set up a new one.  Before you do this you could DM the followers you trust and want to keep with details of your new account
• When setting up a new account remain anonymous.  Choose a username that does not identify you and a strong password he would never guess
• Do not follow him or any of his friends on twitter.  If you know his account and add him to the Block list.
• In the twitter setting un-tick the box that says "add a location to my tweets"
• There are a growing number of Domestic Abuse awareness campaigners on twitter and if twitter is used in the right way it can be an excellent source of information and support.  Try searching on the hashtags: #domesticabuse #domesticviolence #dv #dva #VAW #vilenceagainstwomen #emotionalabuse.  Follow domestic violence charities nationally and in your area.

Linkedin

• As Linkedin is a professional networking site you may still be required to use this for your work and will have to use your name and photo
• Do NOT post any personal information - keep everything professional and strictly about work
• If your abuser is already a connection - remove the connection
• Do not look at your abusers profile - if your settings are profile he will be able to see you have viewed him

I have tried to cover the most popular social network sites but the advise is the same for any that you had while you were with him.  Either deactivate accounts and set up new ones or change the password.

Leaving abuse is a difficult journey and all survivors should get as much knowledge as they can about the domestic abuse they suffered.   Taking control of your life and protecting yourself both in reality and online is one of the ways you will empower yourself.

I felt compelled to write to complain after seeing your despicable insensitive news coverage of the awful crime of the murder of Reeva Steenkamp.
Just to clarify I did not buy the paper and would not recommend it to any one as its a newspaper that regularly treats women as sexual objects objectifying them in  the Page 3 feature which does not belong in a "news" paper.  Unfortunately though other people do buy The Sun, and I had to listen to the comments when they were reading the front page yesterday Friday 15th February 2013.  The headline was shocking in itself:

"3 shots. Screams. Silence. 3 more shots.  Blade runner Pistorius 'murders lover'"

The fact that the victim was not even referred to by her own name says it all.  Then there was the unforgivable and inappropriate photo that was chosen, reducing this horrific crime into more titillation in order to sell "The Sun" newspapers.  Sexualising the murder victim just distracts from and belittles the crime.  I saw men look at your paper and then say things like: "she was fit, what a waste", the complete lack of respect in the article backs up this thought process that she was there for men's viewing pleasure alone.   Yes she was a model but on this occasion she did not pose for The Sun,  she did not consent to this photo being the one used to accompany an article about her horrific murder, she did not agree to the  ultimate crime of violence against women being sexually portrayed in this way.....lets not forget that this woman could not have made this choices as she is now dead.  This is a crime in which a woman's life was needlessly taken in a brutal crime allegedly by someone she trusted.  It deserves to be reported with sensitivity, respect and compassion both for her and for her loved ones whose lives will be devastated.  It should not be treated as erotic sensationalism.

This woman is currently being morned for by family, friends, acquaintances.  They will be remembering her NOT  as Oscar's "lover", not Oscar's "girlfriend" of a few months , but as  "Reeva" an individual whose memory deserves far more respect than The Sun newspaper gave.

The murder of a woman by her partner is not just a South African crime,in the UK 2 women per week  die at the hands of their partner or ex partner.  1 in 4 women in the UK suffer domestic abuse and these women will be also thinking about Reeva and may be thankful that they escaped their abusive relationships and are now safe.  These women, like me, will have seen your shocking front page, the day after "One Billion Rising" protests all over the world to end violence against women and will wonder how we can end these crimes against women when Newspapers like The Sun portray women's lives as disposable commodities.

The Sun should apologise for this article and for its treatment of women in general.

Dear E L James.

I am writing an open letter to you – although I doubt if you will ever read it as your attitude towards domestic abuse issues seems to be to put your fingers in your ears and hope that we go away….well we won’t.

I am a domestic abuse survivor, although I have been called a lot of other things since campaigning to raise awareness of twitter.  I am one of the people who “freaks you out” by saying that your Fifty Shades trilogy is about domestic abuse.  I have no financial gain to be made by saying this,  I have no hidden agenda…I say they are about domestic abuse because quite simply … they are!

According to you people who point out the domestic abuse are “trivialising the issues and are doing women who actually go through it a huge disservice”.  I take great offence to this comment.  A lot of the women speaking out about domestic abuse ARE the women who have been through it – and we are hardly going to trivialise our own experiences are we?!

I and many others who have sent you polite tweets about our links of our domestic abuse experiences to you have been completely ignore by you and then blocked.  To then have you address the issue with that ignorant statement is beyond hurtful to DV survivors.  If you actually took the time to listen to all our experiences then I have no doubt you would see the similarities yourself, but you choose to ignore.

To be clear, we are not attacking the BDSM lifestyle, in fact I’ve had good chats with practitioners in this lifestyle who agree that the relationship you portray is indeed abuse.  Taking a virgin and pretty much “grooming” her into what you want is far from a consensual BDSM relationship and more about coercive control.

The reason I bought your books in the first place is because I was hoping for a “erotic love story”, as this is the way the books are marketed.  Only a few pages in I realised that this was not going to be the case.  The only way I can describe it is that it was like reading about my own abusive relationship that I had escaped from several years ago.  What you portray is NOT love, it is a living hell.  I existed when I was in that relationship (just)…I would not call it living,  let alone loving.

I continued reading the books because when I read about my own abuse and saw it romanticised in this way I felt compelled to speak up and warn others, and I would never speak out about something I was not knowledgeable in.  I was also kind of hoping that Ana may have realised that she was a soul draining, abusive relationship by book 3 but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.  Instead you decided to write the most unrealistic ending ever for this type of relationship…a happy one.  This then magnified the dangerous message these books give.

No domestic abuse relationship ends happily.  The abusers behaviour gets worse over time never better.  Abusers do not change suddenly and start putting their partners feelings before there own.  There ultimate goal is to have complete control over their partner to get them to do exactly what they want, and when the emotional abuse stops working….have no doubt that they physical abuse will come into play. 

The grim reality is – with relationships like the one you described in Fifty Shades, 2 women per week die in the UK:

• 2 women who perhaps had no prior knowledge of domestic abuse.
• 2 women who maybe didn’t see the warning signs quick enough
• or when they finally did were too deep into the control to see a way out,
• 2 women who maybe read your book and thought that this kind of controlling behaviour from your partner was somehow acceptable, romantic and he was just their “silly, control freak “.

The characteristics of an abuser are so apparent in the character of Christian Grey and so clear to me and others who have knowledge of domestic abuse.  Right from the beginning when he stalked her, throughout his manipulation of her, his scrutiny and monitoring of her to the extent that he bought the company she worked for so he could have complete control for her.  He does not want her to have any privacy and even employs her doctor and then follows her to her parents when she asked for space...and as for her being able to go out with friends ….Christ no!!! He immediately makes up some “security risk” so that he can pretend he is caring and looking out for her when in fact he is actually suffocating her.  Then there’s those dark mood swings, the “Jeckyll and Hyde” effect that us domestic abuse survivors are all too familiar with.  Wondering how to phrase a discussion about an every day situation like bumping into a friend and going for coffee with them without it turning into either an interrogation by the abuser or World War III because you dared to have an existence aside from him!  Then when your abuser has really been vile and you just start thinking “I’ve finally had enough”, they play the guilt trip card.  Phrases like “I’m a broken man, you are the only one that can fix me” and normally a play on some child hood abuse so that with your caring nature (like Ana’s) you feel too guilty to up and leave, you are mislead into believing that their abuse is somehow excused by this “misfortune” that fell upon them…and so you stay…and so the circle of abuse begins again.  Apart from this time it gets worse.

Now I’m all for literary freedom, but I do think that authors should take responsibility for the words they write and the way their books are marketed.  For example: when you read about a murder – its marketed as a murder mystery, when you read about something horrifying – its marketed as a horror, when you read about a domestic abuse relationship it should under no circumstances be marketed as a “love story”.

Every day on twitter I see women and teenage girls tweeting their love for Christian Grey, expressing how they want a real life Christian Grey.  Are we to suppose that all these women/girls actually want an abuser in their lives? ….No - your books have blinded them to the warning signs and characteristics of an abuser which Womens Aid, Refuge and other DV charities have worked so hard to make people aware of. 

Whether you want to hear it or not domestic abuse has some shocking and terrifying statistics: 1 in 4 women currently have experience of it.  I can categorically say having had my own “Christian Grey” experience that it was the worst time of my life, one that was hard to get out of, and one that I would not wish upon anyone.  There are no good memories from that relationship as like Ana, I was manipulated the whole way through it.

By ignoring our experiences and not even acknowledging the abuse in your books, you are preventing thousands of women from knowing the truth about domestic abuse. 

These women may go into relationships thinking that a man who tries to control them is “sexy” - its not, its abuse.

They may think that if their partner stalks them, or read their emails, follow them on their lunch break etc that it’s a sign of undying love, or harmless protection - its not, its abuse. 

Their “Christian Grey” type may present them with an “us against the world “ ideology and they may find it flattering that he wants them to be with him all the time - ts not, its abuse.

The women already in this abusive relationships may stay longer because your book has convinced them that if they only love him enough they will “heal” him, and he will change - he won’t,  the abuse will increase.

When you are controlled by a partner it is completely draining, they take away your independence, they are awkward, angry, sulky or moody when you want to see your friends until in the end its easier not to.  An abusers aim is to have ultimate control and they will use a series of different tactics to try and get it.

As the Author of this trilogy of domestic abuse, I hold you responsible for the damaging effect your words are having.  You have the ability to raise awareness of the domestic abuse within your books that real life domestic abuse survivors are recognising.  Please stop marketing the books as a “love story” this is so dangerous. As a woman you should want to empower other women so that they don’t become the 1 in 4 that suffers this terrible crime.

As domestic abuse survivors we already are aware of what domestic abuse is, and some of us following our experiences have learnt the warning signs to prevent it ever happening again.  Some unfortunately do not learn this and they are then at risk of suffering again.   Fans of Fifty Shades are at risk, they don’t see the signs and you have the power to change this.  Your fans made you rich, now its time to enrich them with awareness.  Knowledge is empowering and by making everyone aware of domestic abuse signs we can work to ending this dreadful, damaging crime.

We will continue to campaign, but I hope that you do the right thing for your fans.

Sparkleyloo

Domestic Abuse Aware

Put simply - your article would have been more worthwhile and less offensive to anyone who has ever been effected by Domestic Abuse if underneath the title of your article you had just written "YES" !!

It deeply saddens me that I live in a society where people criticise someone whose family have not only survived domestic abuse, but then lost a brother who committed suicide because of the pain he had been through and yet the same society offers £100k to a man (Justin Lee Collins) recently convicted of harassment to go into the Celebrity Big Brother House with no regard to how detrimental this will be to his victim and other domestic abuse victims.

It is disgusting that we criticise the victims and promote the abusers...and then we wonder why we live in a society where 1 in 4 women suffer domestic abuse and 2 per week die.

As a domestic abuse campaigner I raise awareness and we speak about the unspoken crime. We encourage victims to get help and speak out ....and then articles like this show no sympathy whatsoever and dismiss their horrific experiences as nothing more than a "sob story".  The people whose lives have been effected are written about with no regard to the fact that they are actually human beings.  Jahmene is featured first and then the other X factor contestants are listed like its some kind of chart.  Lets not forget that these are real people with real feelings.

Jahmene Douglas' publicity has so far raised £10K for Womens Aid and he has taken on the role as Ambassador for Children and Young People.  I suggest that before people belittle what he has been through as "the biggest sob story" they should  take a look at themselves and and question whether they could not only bounce back after abuse and then the tragic loss of a brother, but also then speak out and help raise awareness and raise much needed money that other victims will benefit from.

Jahmene being in the public eye will have already benefited people, and helped those who are suffering or have suffered domestic abuse to speak out.  In contrast Daisy's article is of benefit to no one....as to these stories pulling on your heart strings I would question whether anyone who could write a article so coldly listing peoples tragedies could even have one,.

Nearly every day this this week I have read a news story about a domestic abuse murder, yet when I google "domestic abuse news" none of them appear.  Domestic abuse is still a hidden crime.  These murders may be covered in news articles but they are seldom labelled as "domestic abuse" or "domestic violence" crimes.  Journalists prefer to paint a picture of a partner "acting out of character", "flipping", "having a mental breakdown", someone with financial problems and no way out, or any other issue that may have caused them to carry out this "isolated incident", or more disturbingly they focus on what the murdered partner could have possibly said or done which caused their partner to kill them.  The very nature of domestic abuse is that it is directed at a partner, it is a repeated pattern of abuse and carried out behind closed doors...when a woman is murdered by her partner it is DOMESTIC ABUSE and the press should be labelling it this way rather than attempting to excuse the crime.

If domestic abuse was reported in the media as the horrendous crime that it is, maybe we wouldn't see as much of the idolising of perpetrators such as Chris Brown.  In the court hearing we were told how he repeatedly punched, and bit Rihanna, slamming her head into the window of the car and holding her in her headlock until she nearly passed out.  We have all seen the pictures of her swollen face afterwards and yet he still has a loyal base of supporters.  So loyal in fact that a comedian who dared to stand up to him on twitter received numerous death threats for her tweets.... in their eyes this was apparently worse than physically harming your partner!!  Chris Brown's retaliation tweets were among the worst tweets I have ever seen on twitter and I was thankful when he removed his account, yet some days later he is back on twitter presenting as a changed man who is supporting a domestic violence campaign.  Is the general public's understanding of domestic abuse so off track that people will actually believe that after a few days this man has changed his whole entire belief system that made him feel entitled to beat his partner and write those atrocious tweets to another human being?  Domestic abuse perpetrators seldom change and when they do it takes years and years of specialised Domestic abuse programmes.

So why aren't people boycotting his records and speaking out about abuse?  People are very quick to judge Rihanna for going back to him and will happily tweet/talk about that, with no real understanding of the cycle of domestic abuse that keeps a victim under the power of the abuser and means that they will often return to them several times before getting help to fully end the relationship.  Everything society does from the lenient sentencing of 6 months labour for this crime,  to supporting his career undermines his crime...and yet people feel they are in a position to criticise and judge the actual victim when most do not see the severity of what he did themselves?

People who have been convicted of domestic abuse crimes are treated so differently from any other conviction, and this is shown by the shocking invitation to Justin Lee Collins to appear on Celebrity Big Brother.  He has only just finished his ridiculously lenient sentence of 140 community service and yet Channel 5 think that putting him on our televisions to gloat about the fact that he basically got off lightly is something that we want to see?  Again we all know what he did, we've all heard the tapes so why are we condoning domestic abuse by supporting his flagging career?  A source from Channel 5 thinks that this will give him the opportunity for viewers to see if he has changed or not as they will be able to watch him 24/7 and apparently if he does not attack anyone then he must be a reformed man.  If it was as easy as that and people were fully reformed after 140 hours trolley pushing ....there wouldn't be any crime in the world!!  The whole notion of what domestic abuse actually is has been completely missed here....domestic abuse is against one person normally a partner, so no we are unlikely to see Justin verbally abuse, drag by the hair, interrogate or threaten to kill his friends or strangers he meets in the false environment of the Big Brother house.  He is yet to admit that he was abusive, let alone enrolled in any domestic abuse perpetrator programmes, so I don't need to watch him on screen to decide whether he has changed...I already know the answer.

Do Channel 5 understand the impact that this will have on the actual victim of the crime?  Anna Larke has been incredibly brave in speaking out on a subject where unfortunately there was a real chance of her not even being believed.  She showed incredible courage and has gone on to give interviews to raise awareness and funds for domestic abuse campaigns.  To offer her perpetrator £100k and another chance of fame is just another blow when this woman has suffered enough.  It belittles the suffering of 1 in 4 women in the UK  who are unfortunate to find themselves in a domestic abuse situation, these victims and survivors do not want to be faced with a perpetrator on their screens.  This is a serious crime it causes endless damage to the victims and yet Channel 5 jump to help resurrect the career of someone convicted for harassment   Some have commented on twitter that its just too soon for him to appear on our tele....I would argue that it is never right for society to promote an abuser.  How are people meant to feel able to speak up about domestic abuse when we are parading abusers on television as if nothing happened?

We put Jimmy Saville on an untouchable pedestal ...lets not make the same mistake with domestic abuse perpetrators.  Domestic abuse and violence is a crime resulting in emotional and physical damage and tragically 2 women dying in the UK per week - lets speak out, raise awareness and treat  domestic abuse with the seriousness it deserves.

As we have seen from the evidence in the trial Justin Lee Collins is a perpetrator of domestic abuse.  In typical abuser style he probably never thought she would be believed and  will never take responsibility for his actions.  The trial for me had that familiarity again as his abuse was scarily similar to the abuse that my ex inflicted on me, so much so a friend sent me the details as she couldn't believe that JLC had done and said so many things the same as my abuser.  

In speaking up about the abuse Anna Larke did something that I have not felt able to do and for this I personally would like to thank her.  Taking this case to court was such a courageous thing to do, one that I admire and one that I wish I'd had the guts to do.   So why didn't I ......well there's a number of reasons:

• Fear is the main one, the "threat of violence" that we've all been hearing about doesn't just go away....even when the relationship has long been over - the abuser is still out there and even the thought of facing him again brings back the fear
• Would I be believed? People who know my abuse might describe him as funny, charming etc the same way as JLC was described . 
• I  didn't want my life to be under public scrutiny, its hard to admit you've been abused
• Some people blame the victim...and I'm not sure I could've handled that when I am speaking the truth.  Its the victim blaming culture that is part of the reason domestic abuse victims are so reluctant to speak up.   

The victim blaming towards Anna Larke has been shocking.  Supporters of JLC have attacked her for ruining his career.  Firstly, the only person to blame for that is JLC.....he chose to abuse so should be prepared to take the consequences.  Secondly, do these people really put someone's career ahead of the safety of a human being? If they do their priority list needs a huge shake up.   He abused her over a period of time and destroyed her spirit, and if she hadn't left the relationship who knows how it might of ended.  The stats showing that 2 women a week die from this crime should surely put this is perspective .....career loss or loss of life...now which is worse?

Oh of course then there are the attacks from people who are friends with JLC or who have worked with him saying they don't believe her because he was "a nice guy" , "charming", "always polite" etc .  These people seem to be completely lacking knowledge of what domestic abuse is, in fact its called "a hidden crime" for a reason!  The real abusive characteristics are even hidden from the victim to start with otherwise they'd never get a girlfriend.  Abusers woo, charm and create the excitement that is required to get their victim hooked before the abuse starts drip feeding through.  Often women are unaware of what is happening to them until its too late and they are so deep in the circle of abuse its hard to find a way out.

So in response to the people who have leapt forward to defend JLC's " impeccable" character....No you won't have experienced the name calling, the shouting and swearing in your face, the gritting of his teeth, the spitting at you, the dragging by your hair, the pushing and shoving, the threatening to kill you....because the abuse wasn't directed at you.  It was the victim that suffered this and she will have experienced this side as well as  just enough "Mr Nice Guy" for her to make excuses for him and keep her trapped in the abusive relationship.

Then there are the people that think she did this for the money......erm what money exactly?  Anna dealt with this in precisely the way it should have been dealt with...in a court of law.  If she had just wanted money I am sure there would have been lots of tabloids ready to pay her huge sums of money to sell her story.  This was by no means  the easiest route to take as by doing so she opened her life up to the public.   The statement released after the guilty verdict demonstrates that  Anna's family are committed to raising awareness of domestic abuse so that others do not suffer in the way she did.

What Anna did want is justice and acknowledgement that what she and others with similar abusive ex's suffered was criminal, she was brave and took to the stand to speak up for all to hear about the domestic abuse that she had suffered and I for one thank her immensely for this.  
                                           

It is often hard to see the signs of an unhealthy relationship - especially when you are in one.  All of us enter relationships hoping that they are going to be successful and work out well and it is often hard to let go of that hope.