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The Silencing of Domestic Abuse

4/21/2013

5 Comments

 
My twitter account @sparkleyloo is dedicated to raising awareness of domestic abuse and child protection issues and yet my account was suspended for the third time last week for several days.  Every time this has happened I have appealed to twitter and asked for specific reasons that I've been suspended as I cannot see any tweets that would warrant a suspension and neither can my followers. The only response I get from Twitter is a standard one saying I have broken the rules by "sending multiple unsolicited messages using the @reply and/or mention feature".  This still doesn't make any sense to me as I use twitter like every other twitter user does: I search on the hashtags that interest me and "join in the conversation" where I have something to add. It concerns me that I am not the only domestic abuse awareness campaigner that this has happened to - I know another one who has been suspended 5 times with no proper explanation.  Every day I see people using the #domesticabuse or #domesticviolence hashtags to make "jokes" about these crimes and yet these accounts still remain whilst the people actively trying to help others are silenced?

This got me thinking about why domestic abuse is still such a hidden crime and the simple answer is.....because society keeps it hidden and effectively silences the victims.  Nobody wants to hear about the frequency of domestic abuse and how high the statistics are.  If they hear about it they feel uncomfortable because they may have to acknowledge that this issue is huge.  According to World Bank data more women aged 15-44 are at risk from domestic abuse/violence and rape than from cancer, car accidents, war and malaria.  Facts like this show that all women are vulnerable to domestic abuse and this is why people ignore it - its just too scary a thought to handle.

Domestic abuse victims are silenced throughout their suffering.  Ironically the silencing starts with themselves.  The abuser will have been on a charm offensive for the initial dating period and the victim will have spent most of their time praising the abuser to all their friends and family.  They will have told them that they have met their  "dream man", "Mr Right", "Prince Charming", everything will have been perfect.  Their facebook will have been plastered with happy photos of them together, going to new places, having fun.  Once they have fallen for the abuser, the abuse will be drip fed in like a poison.  Amidst the "happy times" they will now experience some absolutely awful times.  Their instincts which were previously in tune will now be silenced with explanations they cling to like "he's under stress", "it must've been a bad day", "you always take things out on the people you love".  They will be in a constant state of confusion and won't know which side of their partner they are going to experience next...this is wear the phrase "walking on egg shells" comes from as they will be trading carefully so as not to bring out the "bad side".  Characteristics + behaviour that would have previously sent them running now won't because they are too busy silencing all those niggling doubts about their abuser with the attempted justification "I've seen how fantastic he can be so this must just be a glitch".  

During this time the abuser will have isolated them from their original support network.  The victim may not see friends and family as much as the abuser will have wanted their partner all to themselves, or may have got stroppy when they suggested  going to meet a friend for a drink, so they don't go in attempt to keep the peace.  Instead of confiding in people, the victim remains silent and keeps all her doubts to herself. 

It is only when the abuse gets worse and more frequent (which it will) that the victim will firstly start admitting to themselves that this "perfect relationship" is no longer what they have always dreamed of, but instead a living nightmare.  At this point they may reach out to a friend.  Depending on how much the friend knows about domestic abuse will depend on the helpfulness of the advise given.  In fact the victim may be advised that they stick with the partner as he must be having a tough time and it will probably pass...and again the silence continues.

The victim may then not feel able to speak up again, and at this stage their abuser may be threatening to "break their neck" or hurt them or their family if they do tell anyone.  The abuser may tell them that "no one will believe you", and their first experience of confiding in someone may have proved this.

My advise to all victims of domestic abuse is listen to your gut instinct.  Try and filter out all the empty words and promises your abuser has been saying.  Forget about the character he was at the start of the relationship...as this was nothing but an act.  Focus on how he treats you now.  Nice men don't abuse in any way, even if they are having a bad day.  Stop silencing your niggling doubts and start listening to them.  Your gut instinct is there to protect you and the minute you start to listen to it is the minute you turn a corner and can seek help to leave.  Always get advice from a domestic abuse charity or helpline as these people understand the complexity of the crime whereas your close friends may not.  Leaving requires safety planning and the experts can help you.

Unfortunately the silencing continues after the victim has escaped from the abuse.  If you speak up about domestic abuse your friends will mistake this for not being over the relationship.  The reality is completely the opposite.  For me I knew I was completely over the relationship the moment I felt able to disclose to friends that what I had actually been through was domestic abuse. I was no longer silent I had found my voice and was beginning to be myself again.  I found my voice after I had ended the relationship, and by this time felt it was pointless going to the police which is the one thing I regret.  In fact a lot of domestic abuse crimes are left unreported as the victims are fearful that they will not be listened to and won't be believed.

Like a lot of domestic abuse survivors even now 3 + years on I feel the need to raise awareness of this crime. The reason for this is quite simply to stop other women experiencing what I did.  I want to help others and wished I had read about these types of relationships before meeting my abuser as I am sure I would have seen the signs earlier.  The response I get to this campaigning is often negative.  Friends don't want you to "keep harping on about it", strangers will go as far as telling you something isn't abuse when you know it is because its something you've experienced.  However, there will always be someone who listens to what you are saying and has a rethink about the healthiness of their own relationship and that is why its worth it.

With the stats so high why isn't domestic abuse in the papers more often?  Well the truth is that domestic abuse crimes can be frequently seen in the papers but the silencing continues as they are not reported as such.  The most serious of domestic abuse crimes against a woman is her murder.  Yet when we see reports of a man killing his partner we rarely see the words "domestic abuse" or " domestic violence " in the article...... in the news the silencing of this crime continues.  Instead we are given quotes from friends saying that they had "seemed happy ", that this man was acting "out of character", that they are completely shocked that he could act in this way, that it was an "isolated incident".  Was it a "mental breakdown", was it "financial problems", did he "flip" because she was having an affair.  These are all attempts to justify what is in fact a domestic abuse crime.  No the friends may not have suspected a thing, the couple may have seemed happy because as we have seen victims do not tend to speak up about the abuse happening to them behind closed doors but it DOES happen....and the murders are the fatal results.

The press will dig deep and focus on the woman's behaviour to try and find an excuse for this brutal murder instead of acknowledging that this is an act of a domestic abuse perpetrator whose driving force is control, and taking away someone's life is the ultimate act of control.   Of course the perpetrator will also do anything to excuse this act and may tell us that it was some sort of "dreadful accident".  People who have no knowledge of domestic abuse will readily buy into this theory as it allows them to keep in their happy bubble where men just don't kill their partners. Women on twitter have also gone as far as forming groups that worship these killers, by campaigning for their innocence, attacking the dead woman's behaviours, questioning her morals whilst not thinking anything of the morals of a man who shoots his gun. They also get aggressive with the people who don't fall for this theory and attempt to silence them by getting personal and blatantly denying the experiences of people who have actually survived domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse by its very nature is a hidden crime.  I would urge anyone who has survived it to speak up and add to the growing voice of people on social networking sites who refuse to let this crime be swept under the carpet.  Add your voice to the growing number of voices who say that:
  • 2 women a week being killed due to domestic violence is 2 too many.  
  • 1 in 4 women suffering from it should be 0 in 4.  
  • Domestic abuse perpetrators are always the ones responsible and never the victim.  
  • Victim Blaming is not acceptable and only adds to the problem
  • Domestic abuse education is needed urgently in schools before and during dating ages to teach children what it is and how to spot the signs.  
  • Children need to learn what a healthy relationship is and boys need to be taught to view women with equality
  • Domestic abuse should NEVER be romanticised even if it is in a "popular" book like Fifty Shades
  • Domestic abuse crimes should ALWAYS be reported in the press as domestic abuse and the words used to be used more frequently in newspaper articles


The silencing is what keeps domestic abuse alive.  Speak up and end the silence.









5 Comments

Staying safe online after leaving an abusive relationship

4/6/2013

3 Comments

 
Leaving an abusive relationship requires safety planning and I would advise anyone planning to leave to get advise from Womens Aid and Refuge and phone the helpline 0808 2000 247 to discuss you can protect yourself during this difficult process.

Once you have left - this safe guarding still needs to continue.  Abusers don't like it when their victims get away because it means they have lost control which as we know is the one thing they crave.  They will try a range of tactics to get you back, they may tell you they have changed overnight and promise you the world...these are empty promises and once you go back the abuse will continue and increase.  If you have stayed strong they may then turn nasty and try and continue the abuse on you.

Social media is one of the ways they feel they can still have control over you and subject you to further abuse and hurt.   Abusers are very devious and can even use social media to portray themselves as the victim and attempt to blacken your name.  Whether the contact is an attempt to win you back or an attempt to discredit you there is one thing that is certain....and that is that any form of contact with an abuser is not good for you.  Wherever possible you should adopt the "NO CONTACT" rule.  Obviously this is difficult if you have children in which case your communications with the abuser should be kept to a minimum and be as professional in context as possible and solely regarding the children.

Ending an abusive relationship is very different to ending a normal relationship and you have to be quite ruthless in your approach in order to stay safe and minimise the risk.  Here are some tips for staying safe online:

Email
  • If you had a joint email account - delete it.  
  • For your own personal email account, If possible create a completely new email account for yourself that would prevent him contacting you at all.  
  • If this is not practical then change the password to one that he wouldn't be able to guess 
  • Take him out of your contacts list so any correspondence from him will go into your spam/ junk mail.
  • If you have any threatening emails save them in a separate email and take advise from the domestic abuse helpline and the police where necessary. Do not reply to them.


Facebook
  • Remove him from your friends list and then go into "Privacy Settings", then "Blocking" and add him to your BLOCK LIST.  This will ensure that if you post on another persons wall or public profile then he still won't be able to see what you have written, and he won't be able to search for you.
  • If you have uploaded any photos of him or of both of you together DELETE them
  • If other people have photos of you together remove the tag of yourself, if they are your close friends you may feel comfortable asking them to remove the photo altogether.
  • Abusers may get other people to do their stalking and monitoring of you for them so also unfriend any members of their family and their close friends
  • If you have mutual friends that you want to keep, add them to your "restricted list". This can be found in "Privacy Settings" and "restricted list".  In time you may feel comfortable with them and can choose to take them off this list
  • Setting up a fake account is one of the things an abuser might do so keep on your toes when accepting new friend requests, and only accept people who you genuinely know.
  • Change your "Privacy Settings and tools" section.  Where it says "who can look me up? change to "friends of friends" and where it says "who can see your future posts" change this to friends.
  • Do not use facebook status' as a means to get revenge on your abuser....it is futile and can go against you.  People who are unaware of the nature of domestic abuse may mistake this for some kind of jealousy and attachment to the relationship.  People love gossip and things may get back to the abuser. The abusers life solely revolves around him - nothing you can say will change this or stop him from continuing to abuse.  Focus instead of your new found freedom and restoring yourself to the person you were prior to the abuse.


Twitter
  • Twitter doesn't have the same security settings as Facebook, even if you block someone your tweets are still in the public domain. If your partner knew of your twitter account my advise would be to simply DEACTIVATE the account and set up a new one.  Before you do this you could DM the followers you trust and want to keep with details of your new account
  • When setting up a new account remain anonymous.  Choose a username that does not identify you and a strong password he would never guess
  • Do not follow him or any of his friends on twitter.  If you know his account and add him to the Block list.
  • In the twitter setting un-tick the box that says "add a location to my tweets"
  • There are a growing number of Domestic Abuse awareness campaigners on twitter and if twitter is used in the right way it can be an excellent source of information and support.  Try searching on the hashtags: #domesticabuse #domesticviolence #dv #dva #VAW #vilenceagainstwomen #emotionalabuse.  Follow domestic violence charities nationally and in your area.


Linkedin
  • As Linkedin is a professional networking site you may still be required to use this for your work and will have to use your name and photo
  • Do NOT post any personal information - keep everything professional and strictly about work
  • If your abuser is already a connection - remove the connection
  • Do not look at your abusers profile - if your settings are profile he will be able to see you have viewed him


I have tried to cover the most popular social network sites but the advise is the same for any that you had while you were with him.  Either deactivate accounts and set up new ones or change the password.

Leaving abuse is a difficult journey and all survivors should get as much knowledge as they can about the domestic abuse they suffered.   Taking control of your life and protecting yourself both in reality and online is one of the ways you will empower yourself.





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    I am a happy, fun, ordinary professional thirty something (for a few more months at least) woman,  who has lived and learnt and wants to put my negative experiences to some good use!!

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