I didn’t set out to write so many blogs on the Fifty Shades series but then I didn’t expect women to be so taken by a book which when you take out the erotism is essentially a book about an domestic abusive relationship. 

Even when the abuse warning sides are highlighted women are still adamant that this fictional character that has “charmed” the nation is not abusive....how can he be ...he is an exciting millionaire?

The question is if Christian Grey wasn’t a millionaire and the e was removed would the characteristics of abuse be easier for women to recognise? 

So lets explore this and  say that Ana was helping her friend write an article on business and went to interview Christian a normal IT worker rather than the business owner.  She was still attracted to him on the initial meeting and there was a certain rapport but at the same time she felt overwhelmed and quite intimidated by his presence.  On leaving they had made no plans to meet further but out the blue he just turns up at her place of work saying that he was “in the area” but she hadn’t told him where she worked.  Does this sound normal...or maybe a bit creepy?

So quite rightly her gut feeling is that this is a bit weird but as she is attracted to him she ignores that feeling and the communications with him continue.  She carries on with her normal life and goes out and has some drinks with her friends to a club....and Christian (the IT worker) turns up unannounced in the club even though he doesn’t live nearby and would not normally go to that club.  She and her friends have had a bit too much to drink and her friend makes a pass that he would not normally make,  Ana is quite competent and can handle this  but Christian (the man she hardly knows) steps in and takes “ control” of the situation making  out she was in some kind of danger and he insists on driving her home.  Does she need to tell him where she lives?  No.... weirdly Christian ( the IT worker ) already knows this information because he has been stalking her......Ana is unsettled by this but again a bit flattered that he must like her a lot to go to all this effort.

Then very quickly into the developing relationship Christian ( the IT worker)  wants her to sign a contract that basically stipulates what she wears, how often she exercises, how much she sleeps, what she eats and details how many times a week she must see him....is this all still sounding like an exciting romantic relationship or  is this signalling an unhealthy realtionship?

Ana is struggling to understand this complex Christian (the IT worker) character – she knows he has been hurt in the past and is constantly worried that she cannot live up to his ex’s and won’t be able to please him and keep him happy.  She finds him moody and is often walking on egg shells as she doesn’t want to say or do something that will make his mood turn.  She finds herself crying a lot more than normal, but also  finds it hard to confide in her best friends as they probably wouldn’t understand this complex relationship . When she does tell Kate things Ana finds herself making excuses for Christian’s behaviour. 

Eventually  she realises she needs some time out and decides to go and visit her mum for some much needed “me” time  and an escape for a few days.  Christian seems moody when she tells him but then accepts that she is going but provides a phone for her to keep in contact with him.  After a couple of days alone Christian turns up out the blue ....he didn’t tell her that he had bought a plane ticket and certainly didn’t ask her if it was ok to interrupt her family time.... but this is normal behaviour isn’t it....or are you getting a sinister undertone now, does this man understand the need for personal space ?

Ana starts a new job but immediately Christian (the IT worker) is jealous of her boss and doesn’t like it when she is asked to attend a business meeting for work as it means her spending time with him.  Ana is annoyed that he does not trust her to handle herself.  Christian  is so jealous that he uses his IT expertise hacks into the work email system to read what emails she has been sending and also has one of his friends watch the office to see where she goes on her lunch break.......is this still romantic or would you maybe call it extreme controlling behaviour and invading privacy ?

Ana knows he is overprotective and extremely jealous of the male friends in her life and this unnerves her.  She manages to pass the feeling off,  “silly controlling over protective Christian” , “he is only like that because of how intense the relationship is”, “he has never felt this way about anyone before ”  ,” it just shows how much he cares” ....are just some of the things she keeps telling  herself .    As time goes on and the jealousy gets worse,  its difficult for her to even arrange a social event where any of her male friends are involved and she starts feeling torn between them and Christian.  She know that she needs to invite him to everything she does, but is disappointed that they only get to stay for fifteen minutes at Jose’s gallery event because Christian wanted to leave , especially as it had been such a while since she had seen her fiends.  Ana  starts to question why it is ok for Christian to stay in contact with his ex and even do IT work for her when it seems to be so difficult for her to have any kind of  friendships with men, even though these men have always been her friends and she has never been in a relationship with any of them!!  These “double standards” wind her up but Christian doesn’t understand how this is unfair and always manages to turn this back round in an argument so she feels at fault.

Something inside her starts telling her that she needs to get away from this man...but she doesn’t feel like she has the guts or strength  to do it.  Besides she has had great times with him, and when its good its fantastic.  On the flip side when it is bad it is terrible and she feels the worst she has ever felt . True love comes with a price though doesn’t it?  – she asks herself.   She feels like she is losing track of who she is.  Her friends and family have been commenting that she has lost her spark and that she is a shadow of her former self.  Can people have a relationship unless they change to suit their partner she wonders? She knows that Christian  is a very troubled character, he tells her himself that he is “damaged goods”.  She does not want to live life on the edge like this constantly worried about the state of the relationship, never feeling good enough.    Sometimes when she has “made him angry” she sees an edge to him, and she worries about what he is capable of.  She walks on egg shells trying to avoid the moment when happy Christian turns into angry Christian with dark eyes and a grey soul.

So if it was your friend going out with Christian ( the IT worker)  ...would you be able to see the signs of domestic abuse?  Would you tell her that someone who stalks you, checks your emails, turns up unexpectedly when you said you needed some space, is jealous of all your male friends , doesn’t like you going on business meetings because your boss is male, demonstrates severe lack of trust in you, has mood swings over nothing , can terrify you with a glance, tells you what to wear and eat, wants you to sign a contract etc, etc,  is the ideal boyfriend?  

Would you tell her that this sounds like a nice, normal healthy relationship?  Would you tell her this is the most “romantic” relationship you have ever heard of and they should really make a film about this to show women how “exciting “ relationships can be?  Would you be jealous because you wanted your own Christian (IT Worker) obsessively jealous, controlling dreamy boyfriend, would you post on social media sites that you wish you had a Christian (IT worker) of your own........OR would you see the danger signs that women who have suffered in domestic abusive relationships are seeing in this character  and tell her to get the hell out of the relationship (safely) and NEVER GO BACK ?!!!

I know what I would tell her!!  This may be “only a book” but it is giving a very dangerous message.     Please spread the warning signs of domestic abuse and help lower the statistics of this life destroying crime.  1 out of 4 women suffer from domestic abusive relationships, 2 women a week die, there is no happy ending!!

When I wrote my blogs demonstrating the warning signs of domestic abuse in the "Fifty Shades" trilogy,  I honestly thought that women would want to pass on this warning signs and spread the word about the dangers of these types of relationships.  The actually reaction was quite hostile from women who had enjoyed the books and has really highlighted to me how domestic abuse is still very much a taboo subject that people seem to reluctant to discuss.  The scale of the problem,  which is 1 in 4 women experiencing these types of relationships,  shockingly seems to go widely unrecognised.

In general views on the books are definitely split: those that have been in domestic abusive relationships (or have been close to someone who has) can see the similarities and are worried about the dangerous message this trilogy gives the public, whilst people who have had no experience of this seem to get personally offended that anyone dare slate the book in this way.  I have been racking my brains wondering why this is and thought it was worthwhile looking into this a bit closer.

So.... dealing with the most hostile of reactions: I have been told by women who seem quite exasperated by my blogs that I am just simply "wrong" and that it is not domestic abuse at all.  Just to clarify some facts:

• I have actually read all of the first 2 books and have just started on the third, so my observations are based on what I have read and not just on hearsay
  
• I have been unlucky enough to be in a domestic abusive relationship and their are vast similarities in Christian Greys character to the one of my abuser both in the things he does and says - I am not "wrong" in this !
  
• Since my domestic abusive relationship I have contributed on forums specifically set up to help people suffering from domestic abuse, which all have first hand experiences from women describing a very similar type of abusive person
• I have read countless books on domestic abuse, the characteristics that an abusive person displays and the clear warning signs that people should look out for during a relationships - all of the warning signs can be seen in Christian (as explained in my previous blog)
• One of the books that was most significant was Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" - this is a book written by a man who works with abusers, so in my view you can't get any closer to the problem than he has! In his expert opinion men that displays abusive characteristics do not get better and the relationship tends to get worse and women are subjected to more danger the longer they stay.  This is why it is worrying that women are coming away with a positive opinion of Christian and the misguided opinion that men like him may change

If I am "wrong" in my observations, then all the women who have posted on domestic abuse sites about their experiences, all the people who have studied domestic abuse cases and wrote books about them, Charities that display the clear warning signs of unhealthy, abusive, dangerous relationships and the experts who attempt to work with the perpetrators of this awful crime are also wrong......which is highly unlikely !!!

The other opinion that I have come up across is that it can't be domestic abuse because he wrote a contract so it was consensual...really?  Two points here....firstly Ana never signed the contract in book one but this did not stop his controlling, abusive behaviour, this behaviour had started before any contract was signed.  Secondly if we take that opinion further does that mean that if I intend to hurt someone in any way it is acceptable as long as I have put it in writing and then manipulated them and pressurised them into signing it.