When you have left a domestic abuse relationship, the "No Contact Rule " is one of the most important things you can put in place.  This is of course is only completely possible when there are no children involved in the relationship.  Where you have children please contact the National Domestic Violence helpline http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/ for advice on how to handle communications.

What I found when I ended my domestic abuse relationship was that my ex tried everything possible to contact me and this seems common amongst most domestic abuse perpetrators.  As controllers they find it very hard to accept that you have escaped their control. Control is something they crave, and they will do anything to get this control back. 

There are various tactics they may use, so I'll run through a few of them:

Return of the Prince Charming Act

At first they may try and remind you of the initial honeymoon period when they were doing their best Prince Charming impression and everything seemed too good to be true (mainy because it was!).  So don't be surprised if after leaving you are swomped with telephone calls, love letters, poems, emails, texts begging for you back and gifts galore. 

Throughout this period its important to remember that whilst they can act Prince Charming - they can only keep it up for a limited period and once you return the abuse will increase and get worse, as they'll want to "punish" you for daring to leave them in the first place.

The best way you can respond to the Prince Charming Act is to ignore it.  Don't answer the calls, don't respond to emails, texts, letters. This goes against what you would normally do as a caring person but remember you are not dealing with a normal break up you are dealing with a manipulatve domestic abuse perpetrator.


The Sympathy Act - Playing the Victim

Once the Prince Charming Act hasn't worked and they realise that you meant it about ending the relationship they will try and play on your caring nature some more and go for the sympathy card. Don't be surprised if at this point they reveal some childhood abuse that "made them this way" or they may claim to be suffering from a mental illness such as bipolar. 

The important thing to remember is whatever may have happened to them before (if they are telling the truth) is NOT an excuse for the abuse they bestowed on you.  A lot of people have bad childhoods and choose to treat people the right way.  If they have said they have a mental illness, ask yourself if this "illness" only ever was directed at you.  If they were normal at work and with everyone else, and the horrible side was only directed at you then the reality is that the "mental illness" is just another excuse for them to avoid responsbility of the abuse they subjected you to.

They may during this guilt trip suggest that they cannot live without you and imply that they're suicidal.  Obviously if you are concerned contact someone who knows them, or the police - their lives are not your responsibility.

The best way you can respond to the sympathy act is to ignore it.  Don't respond in any way.


The Changed Man Act

Even though they haven't been able to change up till this point, once you've left your abuser may promise that he's changed or that he will change and is going to get help.  Please be aware that for a domestic abuse perpetrator to change it would take tens of years of specific counselling for it to work.  Even people that work with perpetrators admit that true change is rare, and some pretend to change just to get their victim back, and then the abuse starts up again, and is worse.

The best way you can respond to the changed man act is to ignore it.  Don't respond in any way.  Instead get yourself a copy of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men", it won't take long to read and you will relate to it that much that you'll say it could be written about your ex.


The Manipulator

Once he's realised that he can't get to you directly, he will move onto your friends and maybe even loved ones.  He will repeat the first three acts: Prince Charming, Sympathy and Changed Man act to them.  Unfortunately they will not have experienced the full effect of his abusive personality, so don't be surprised if your previously supportive best friend suddenly tells you to give him another chance as secretly he's been in contact working on her sympathy.

Of course the manipulation may take other forms and you might find your ex spreading untrue rumours about you, many of which ironically will be things that he did within the relationship, this is what people refer to as "projection".

Hopefully you will already have blocked him on facebook and all other social media as pretty soon after he has realised its definitely over he will be posting pictures of him and his latest victim (which he probably already had lined up) - manipulatng everyone to think that it must have been you as who was the problem, as he is happy with someone else and has "moved on".

The best way you can respond to the manipulator act is to ignore it.  Don't respond to him in any way.  For the people you really care about that he's been working on tell them that ending a domestic abuse relationship is not the same as ending a normal one and he is just acting out typical things that a perpetrator does. Suggest that if they really want to help and support you they should also read Lundy Bancroft's book and they should also break all contact with him.  For any other people that are friends with him and more likely to pass him infomration on you - apply the no contact rule with them aswell.  All these people should be blocked on social media like your ex.

Whatever tactic he takes do not give in and meet up with him as this could potentially be disastrous.


The Fear Factor

The fear factor will have been present through out the relationship. Your abuser may have been able to swop from looking at you with "love" to looking at you like he wanted to kill you with ease.  He may have got into jealous fights over you or threatened men who dared to look at you "his property".  He may have threatened to kill you or hurt your family if you ever left.  Women are most vulneable to serious attacks from their domestic abuse perpetrator around the time of leaving which is why its so important to get advise from Womens Aid, Refuge or your local domestic abuse charity to plan a safe way out.

He will also use fear in a different way by chipping away at your personality, independance and confidence so that you fear that you can cope in the big wide world in a life without him...but one thing is for certain - you can cope...and you will be a lot happier for it.

The fear can continue after you have left and this is when the stalking and monitoring may step up a gear again.  This is another reason why the "No Contact Rule" is vital. 

You will need to take steps to protect yourself, and here are a few suggestions:
1.  Change your passwords on any email/ social media accounts you had that he may have gained access to.
2. Block him and his family and people he is close to on all social media.
3. Restrict your profile for any joint friends that you want to keep on facebook.  Don't accept any new facebook friend requests unless you know who they are.
4. If you are still living in the house or you had seperate houses - change your locks.
5. Decline invites to any social occassion he is invited to - this may seem unfair but its really not worth the risk and seeing him would only bring back bad memories.
6. If you work for the same company, inform Human Resources and ask them what their Domestic Abuse policy is to see what they can put in place to protect you.
7. If he ever turns up on a night out ignore him, make sure your friends always stay with you, inform the bouncers and if he gets too much call the police.
8.  NEVER let him in if he turns up at your house.
9.  As repeated throughout this blog don't reply to calls, texts, emails etc.
10. Do keep a log of every time he has atempted to contact you with dates and times, and keep voicemails, texts and emails.  If any of these threaten violence don't hesitate in calling the police.

As I learnt last year you will also come across people in general life or on social media sites who display traits typical of a bully and/or an abusive personality. These people will manipulate,lie and play the victim to get their own way and the "no contact rule" is the best advice to use for them too.

I would love to be writing this with an observation that the number of women killed in domestic abuse murders had dropped but sadly this isn’t the case.

I would love to be able to say that women now seem to have a greater understanding of what makes a domestic abuse perpetrator, but alarmingly the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy has damaged the ability of women and girls seeing this by romanticising all the traits that we should be warned about.

I would love to say that the media and the courts treat domestic abuse victims fairly and understand the complex nature of this hideous crime…unfortunately the disgusting treatment of witness Nigella demonstrate how more than often it’s the victim that is put on trial rather than the abuser.2013 has demonstrated how much things need to change.

2013 has shown me from a domestic abuse awareness campaigners perspective that there is a huge need for education from a very early age in schools to prevent teens suffering in abusive relationships.  We need to teach early to prevent the ingrained opinions that somehow domestic abuse is a “private matter” or that the victim must have done something or said something to make the abuser act that way.  We need to act early so that young impressionable girls who may be reading books like 50 shades don’t think that having a powerful, controlling man who tells them what to wear, what to eat, demands to know everyone they talk to, monitors their emails etc is in any way “romantic” or “sexy”.  They need to be made aware that this is domestic abuse – and in real life relationships like this kill 2 women per week in the UK.2013 has had its ups and downs as a campaigner.  

At the beginning of the year I had what I thought was an invincible team of women around me all campaigning for the same cause.  My low point this year was when I was let down badly by one person I had trusted to be part of the group and had agreed to her joining as admin on a twitter account I had been working on.   This individual developed a campaign of hatred against another DV campaigner and lost sight of the cause that we had believed she was fighting for aswell  (which was to unite as survivors and raise awareness of the abhorrent crime of domestic abuse).  Her focus on attacking the other campaigner was relentless and she soon turned onto me and another member of the group when we refused to join in the attack.  I had made it clear from the onset that my focus was to raise awareness not to attack others.  In her eyes it was not acceptable for us to refuse to join in with her campaign of attack and therefore she made up allegations that we were some sort of “security threat” to her and were passing information to the “enemy”.  Her  unfound allegations and ability to manipulate meant that two of us could no longer continue  working on the account that we had put a lot of hard work and effort into.  It is very revealing that as soon as we were off the account she added her full real name to the account as “co-runner” and location to her own twitter (hardly the actions of someone who is security conscious). 

Raising awareness of the abuse in 50 shades is hugely important to us, we have been tweeting since the books were published and we wanted to continue our work so we set up @50shadesisabuse which is purely focused on domestic abuse and raising awareness of the unhealthy relationship portrayed in the book.  I am proud to say that this account will never use bullying tactics to bring down other domestic abuse campaigners even if they are raising awareness in a way that we don’t choose to. The other member who runs this account is a fantastic person – she’s a domestic abuse survivor, who has endured her own real life Christian Grey, like I did.   I trust her whole heartedly to continue the hard work in the same vein as we started in the original account.  If you aren’t a follower already please follow us on @50shadesisabuse and retweet to help promote awareness.

I am pleased and very proud to say that the other women in the group we have for DV Campaigners have continued to keep their focus on raising awareness of domestic abuse.  They’re tireless in their campaigns dedicating hours of their own time with the aim of preventing other women suffering as we did at the hands of an abuser.  This amazing group of women keep me motivated and I would like to thank them for that.  I’m sure that their good work will continue into 2014 and beyond….and slowly but surely we will make a difference.


@sparkleyloo xxx

Dear E L James.

I am writing an open letter to you – although I doubt if you will ever read it as your attitude towards domestic abuse issues seems to be to put your fingers in your ears and hope that we go away….well we won’t.

I am a domestic abuse survivor, although I have been called a lot of other things since campaigning to raise awareness of twitter.  I am one of the people who “freaks you out” by saying that your Fifty Shades trilogy is about domestic abuse.  I have no financial gain to be made by saying this,  I have no hidden agenda…I say they are about domestic abuse because quite simply … they are!

According to you people who point out the domestic abuse are “trivialising the issues and are doing women who actually go through it a huge disservice”.  I take great offence to this comment.  A lot of the women speaking out about domestic abuse ARE the women who have been through it – and we are hardly going to trivialise our own experiences are we?!

I and many others who have sent you polite tweets about our links of our domestic abuse experiences to you have been completely ignore by you and then blocked.  To then have you address the issue with that ignorant statement is beyond hurtful to DV survivors.  If you actually took the time to listen to all our experiences then I have no doubt you would see the similarities yourself, but you choose to ignore.

To be clear, we are not attacking the BDSM lifestyle, in fact I’ve had good chats with practitioners in this lifestyle who agree that the relationship you portray is indeed abuse.  Taking a virgin and pretty much “grooming” her into what you want is far from a consensual BDSM relationship and more about coercive control.

The reason I bought your books in the first place is because I was hoping for a “erotic love story”, as this is the way the books are marketed.  Only a few pages in I realised that this was not going to be the case.  The only way I can describe it is that it was like reading about my own abusive relationship that I had escaped from several years ago.  What you portray is NOT love, it is a living hell.  I existed when I was in that relationship (just)…I would not call it living,  let alone loving.

I continued reading the books because when I read about my own abuse and saw it romanticised in this way I felt compelled to speak up and warn others, and I would never speak out about something I was not knowledgeable in.  I was also kind of hoping that Ana may have realised that she was a soul draining, abusive relationship by book 3 but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.  Instead you decided to write the most unrealistic ending ever for this type of relationship…a happy one.  This then magnified the dangerous message these books give.

No domestic abuse relationship ends happily.  The abusers behaviour gets worse over time never better.  Abusers do not change suddenly and start putting their partners feelings before there own.  There ultimate goal is to have complete control over their partner to get them to do exactly what they want, and when the emotional abuse stops working….have no doubt that they physical abuse will come into play. 

The grim reality is – with relationships like the one you described in Fifty Shades, 2 women per week die in the UK:

• 2 women who perhaps had no prior knowledge of domestic abuse.
• 2 women who maybe didn’t see the warning signs quick enough
• or when they finally did were too deep into the control to see a way out,
• 2 women who maybe read your book and thought that this kind of controlling behaviour from your partner was somehow acceptable, romantic and he was just their “silly, control freak “.

The characteristics of an abuser are so apparent in the character of Christian Grey and so clear to me and others who have knowledge of domestic abuse.  Right from the beginning when he stalked her, throughout his manipulation of her, his scrutiny and monitoring of her to the extent that he bought the company she worked for so he could have complete control for her.  He does not want her to have any privacy and even employs her doctor and then follows her to her parents when she asked for space...and as for her being able to go out with friends ….Christ no!!! He immediately makes up some “security risk” so that he can pretend he is caring and looking out for her when in fact he is actually suffocating her.  Then there’s those dark mood swings, the “Jeckyll and Hyde” effect that us domestic abuse survivors are all too familiar with.  Wondering how to phrase a discussion about an every day situation like bumping into a friend and going for coffee with them without it turning into either an interrogation by the abuser or World War III because you dared to have an existence aside from him!  Then when your abuser has really been vile and you just start thinking “I’ve finally had enough”, they play the guilt trip card.  Phrases like “I’m a broken man, you are the only one that can fix me” and normally a play on some child hood abuse so that with your caring nature (like Ana’s) you feel too guilty to up and leave, you are mislead into believing that their abuse is somehow excused by this “misfortune” that fell upon them…and so you stay…and so the circle of abuse begins again.  Apart from this time it gets worse.

Now I’m all for literary freedom, but I do think that authors should take responsibility for the words they write and the way their books are marketed.  For example: when you read about a murder – its marketed as a murder mystery, when you read about something horrifying – its marketed as a horror, when you read about a domestic abuse relationship it should under no circumstances be marketed as a “love story”.

Every day on twitter I see women and teenage girls tweeting their love for Christian Grey, expressing how they want a real life Christian Grey.  Are we to suppose that all these women/girls actually want an abuser in their lives? ….No - your books have blinded them to the warning signs and characteristics of an abuser which Womens Aid, Refuge and other DV charities have worked so hard to make people aware of. 

Whether you want to hear it or not domestic abuse has some shocking and terrifying statistics: 1 in 4 women currently have experience of it.  I can categorically say having had my own “Christian Grey” experience that it was the worst time of my life, one that was hard to get out of, and one that I would not wish upon anyone.  There are no good memories from that relationship as like Ana, I was manipulated the whole way through it.

By ignoring our experiences and not even acknowledging the abuse in your books, you are preventing thousands of women from knowing the truth about domestic abuse. 

These women may go into relationships thinking that a man who tries to control them is “sexy” - its not, its abuse.

They may think that if their partner stalks them, or read their emails, follow them on their lunch break etc that it’s a sign of undying love, or harmless protection - its not, its abuse. 

Their “Christian Grey” type may present them with an “us against the world “ ideology and they may find it flattering that he wants them to be with him all the time - ts not, its abuse.

The women already in this abusive relationships may stay longer because your book has convinced them that if they only love him enough they will “heal” him, and he will change - he won’t,  the abuse will increase.

When you are controlled by a partner it is completely draining, they take away your independence, they are awkward, angry, sulky or moody when you want to see your friends until in the end its easier not to.  An abusers aim is to have ultimate control and they will use a series of different tactics to try and get it.

As the Author of this trilogy of domestic abuse, I hold you responsible for the damaging effect your words are having.  You have the ability to raise awareness of the domestic abuse within your books that real life domestic abuse survivors are recognising.  Please stop marketing the books as a “love story” this is so dangerous. As a woman you should want to empower other women so that they don’t become the 1 in 4 that suffers this terrible crime.

As domestic abuse survivors we already are aware of what domestic abuse is, and some of us following our experiences have learnt the warning signs to prevent it ever happening again.  Some unfortunately do not learn this and they are then at risk of suffering again.   Fans of Fifty Shades are at risk, they don’t see the signs and you have the power to change this.  Your fans made you rich, now its time to enrich them with awareness.  Knowledge is empowering and by making everyone aware of domestic abuse signs we can work to ending this dreadful, damaging crime.

We will continue to campaign, but I hope that you do the right thing for your fans.

Sparkleyloo

Domestic Abuse Aware

Nearly every day this this week I have read a news story about a domestic abuse murder, yet when I google "domestic abuse news" none of them appear.  Domestic abuse is still a hidden crime.  These murders may be covered in news articles but they are seldom labelled as "domestic abuse" or "domestic violence" crimes.  Journalists prefer to paint a picture of a partner "acting out of character", "flipping", "having a mental breakdown", someone with financial problems and no way out, or any other issue that may have caused them to carry out this "isolated incident", or more disturbingly they focus on what the murdered partner could have possibly said or done which caused their partner to kill them.  The very nature of domestic abuse is that it is directed at a partner, it is a repeated pattern of abuse and carried out behind closed doors...when a woman is murdered by her partner it is DOMESTIC ABUSE and the press should be labelling it this way rather than attempting to excuse the crime.

If domestic abuse was reported in the media as the horrendous crime that it is, maybe we wouldn't see as much of the idolising of perpetrators such as Chris Brown.  In the court hearing we were told how he repeatedly punched, and bit Rihanna, slamming her head into the window of the car and holding her in her headlock until she nearly passed out.  We have all seen the pictures of her swollen face afterwards and yet he still has a loyal base of supporters.  So loyal in fact that a comedian who dared to stand up to him on twitter received numerous death threats for her tweets.... in their eyes this was apparently worse than physically harming your partner!!  Chris Brown's retaliation tweets were among the worst tweets I have ever seen on twitter and I was thankful when he removed his account, yet some days later he is back on twitter presenting as a changed man who is supporting a domestic violence campaign.  Is the general public's understanding of domestic abuse so off track that people will actually believe that after a few days this man has changed his whole entire belief system that made him feel entitled to beat his partner and write those atrocious tweets to another human being?  Domestic abuse perpetrators seldom change and when they do it takes years and years of specialised Domestic abuse programmes.

So why aren't people boycotting his records and speaking out about abuse?  People are very quick to judge Rihanna for going back to him and will happily tweet/talk about that, with no real understanding of the cycle of domestic abuse that keeps a victim under the power of the abuser and means that they will often return to them several times before getting help to fully end the relationship.  Everything society does from the lenient sentencing of 6 months labour for this crime,  to supporting his career undermines his crime...and yet people feel they are in a position to criticise and judge the actual victim when most do not see the severity of what he did themselves?

People who have been convicted of domestic abuse crimes are treated so differently from any other conviction, and this is shown by the shocking invitation to Justin Lee Collins to appear on Celebrity Big Brother.  He has only just finished his ridiculously lenient sentence of 140 community service and yet Channel 5 think that putting him on our televisions to gloat about the fact that he basically got off lightly is something that we want to see?  Again we all know what he did, we've all heard the tapes so why are we condoning domestic abuse by supporting his flagging career?  A source from Channel 5 thinks that this will give him the opportunity for viewers to see if he has changed or not as they will be able to watch him 24/7 and apparently if he does not attack anyone then he must be a reformed man.  If it was as easy as that and people were fully reformed after 140 hours trolley pushing ....there wouldn't be any crime in the world!!  The whole notion of what domestic abuse actually is has been completely missed here....domestic abuse is against one person normally a partner, so no we are unlikely to see Justin verbally abuse, drag by the hair, interrogate or threaten to kill his friends or strangers he meets in the false environment of the Big Brother house.  He is yet to admit that he was abusive, let alone enrolled in any domestic abuse perpetrator programmes, so I don't need to watch him on screen to decide whether he has changed...I already know the answer.

Do Channel 5 understand the impact that this will have on the actual victim of the crime?  Anna Larke has been incredibly brave in speaking out on a subject where unfortunately there was a real chance of her not even being believed.  She showed incredible courage and has gone on to give interviews to raise awareness and funds for domestic abuse campaigns.  To offer her perpetrator £100k and another chance of fame is just another blow when this woman has suffered enough.  It belittles the suffering of 1 in 4 women in the UK  who are unfortunate to find themselves in a domestic abuse situation, these victims and survivors do not want to be faced with a perpetrator on their screens.  This is a serious crime it causes endless damage to the victims and yet Channel 5 jump to help resurrect the career of someone convicted for harassment   Some have commented on twitter that its just too soon for him to appear on our tele....I would argue that it is never right for society to promote an abuser.  How are people meant to feel able to speak up about domestic abuse when we are parading abusers on television as if nothing happened?

We put Jimmy Saville on an untouchable pedestal ...lets not make the same mistake with domestic abuse perpetrators.  Domestic abuse and violence is a crime resulting in emotional and physical damage and tragically 2 women dying in the UK per week - lets speak out, raise awareness and treat  domestic abuse with the seriousness it deserves.

As we have seen from the evidence in the trial Justin Lee Collins is a perpetrator of domestic abuse.  In typical abuser style he probably never thought she would be believed and  will never take responsibility for his actions.  The trial for me had that familiarity again as his abuse was scarily similar to the abuse that my ex inflicted on me, so much so a friend sent me the details as she couldn't believe that JLC had done and said so many things the same as my abuser.  

In speaking up about the abuse Anna Larke did something that I have not felt able to do and for this I personally would like to thank her.  Taking this case to court was such a courageous thing to do, one that I admire and one that I wish I'd had the guts to do.   So why didn't I ......well there's a number of reasons:

• Fear is the main one, the "threat of violence" that we've all been hearing about doesn't just go away....even when the relationship has long been over - the abuser is still out there and even the thought of facing him again brings back the fear
• Would I be believed? People who know my abuse might describe him as funny, charming etc the same way as JLC was described . 
• I  didn't want my life to be under public scrutiny, its hard to admit you've been abused
• Some people blame the victim...and I'm not sure I could've handled that when I am speaking the truth.  Its the victim blaming culture that is part of the reason domestic abuse victims are so reluctant to speak up.   

The victim blaming towards Anna Larke has been shocking.  Supporters of JLC have attacked her for ruining his career.  Firstly, the only person to blame for that is JLC.....he chose to abuse so should be prepared to take the consequences.  Secondly, do these people really put someone's career ahead of the safety of a human being? If they do their priority list needs a huge shake up.   He abused her over a period of time and destroyed her spirit, and if she hadn't left the relationship who knows how it might of ended.  The stats showing that 2 women a week die from this crime should surely put this is perspective .....career loss or loss of life...now which is worse?

Oh of course then there are the attacks from people who are friends with JLC or who have worked with him saying they don't believe her because he was "a nice guy" , "charming", "always polite" etc .  These people seem to be completely lacking knowledge of what domestic abuse is, in fact its called "a hidden crime" for a reason!  The real abusive characteristics are even hidden from the victim to start with otherwise they'd never get a girlfriend.  Abusers woo, charm and create the excitement that is required to get their victim hooked before the abuse starts drip feeding through.  Often women are unaware of what is happening to them until its too late and they are so deep in the circle of abuse its hard to find a way out.

So in response to the people who have leapt forward to defend JLC's " impeccable" character....No you won't have experienced the name calling, the shouting and swearing in your face, the gritting of his teeth, the spitting at you, the dragging by your hair, the pushing and shoving, the threatening to kill you....because the abuse wasn't directed at you.  It was the victim that suffered this and she will have experienced this side as well as  just enough "Mr Nice Guy" for her to make excuses for him and keep her trapped in the abusive relationship.

Then there are the people that think she did this for the money......erm what money exactly?  Anna dealt with this in precisely the way it should have been dealt with...in a court of law.  If she had just wanted money I am sure there would have been lots of tabloids ready to pay her huge sums of money to sell her story.  This was by no means  the easiest route to take as by doing so she opened her life up to the public.   The statement released after the guilty verdict demonstrates that  Anna's family are committed to raising awareness of domestic abuse so that others do not suffer in the way she did.

What Anna did want is justice and acknowledgement that what she and others with similar abusive ex's suffered was criminal, she was brave and took to the stand to speak up for all to hear about the domestic abuse that she had suffered and I for one thank her immensely for this.  
                                           

After reading the first Fifty Shades of Grey I  was left feeling  uneasy.  I had been hearing people rave about this book and how they would like a real life Christian Grey, but whilst I was reading it I recognised all the  personality traits that my domestic abuser had.  When comparing Christian Grey to any domestic abuse/violence warning sign check list it becomes more apparent.  So I thought it was worthwhile to go through the list warning sign at a time and illustrate where Christian is behaving in this manner.  Hopefully after reading this it will help diminish the "fantasy" of a "dream man" Christian Grey.  Yes, these men are easy to fall for as they are often "charm" personified but behind this charm front lies a very dangerous and disturbed personality.

Domestic Abuse Warning Signs


Jealousy
Christian shows his jealousy right from the very beginning when there is tension with Paul in the hardware store.  More apparently with his jealousy of her friend Jose.  Ana could have handled Jose's approaches on her own but Christian turns up out the blue and steps in, making the whole situation blow completely out of proportion. Ana herself is aware of the jealous nature as she teases Christian with an image of a hunky masseur, which she knows will wind him up.  Also on the plane journey she wonders why she is the only person both times with an empty seat next to her.  Could Christian have bought the seat so that no one sat next to her? The answer to this is almost certainly yes, he had the money and being a jealous type he wouldn't have wanted to risk having a man sit next to her incase they started up a conversation.

Constantly checking up on partner - stalking

Well after all the hype surrounding this book,  I decided to read this book and am just about half way through.  What I have found so far is ringing every alarm bell...even reading the synopsis on the back of the book was worrying.  From what I have read I can categorically say to that Christian Grey is real, his characteristics can be found in most domestic abusive men....as 1 in 4 women who have suffered an abusive relationship will tell you.  

So far I have read how Christian :

• has a controlling nature
• is manipulative
• has mood swings, can be playful one minute but turns nasty the minute that Ana does or says something that he does not agree with
• Wants Ana to be "his", he wants to own her like a piece of property
• Thinks she should be punished if she doesn't do exactly as he says
• See's her close friends eg: Kate as threats, mainly because he knows Kate can see straight through him
• Is jealous of the men in her life
• Stalks her to find out where she is 
• Turns up unexpectedly at her house
• Wants to tell her what to wear

All of these characteristics can be found in any article writing about the signs to look out for in domestic abusive men and relationships.  Unfortunately the amount of women who are swooning over this person have all been swept up in the "charm" that he also demonstrates, which is the same charm that most of the women who found themselves in domestic relationships fell for.

I am going to continue to read the books because I am interested to see how it turns out , but so far all the signs are there.  Women may thinkong they want their own Christian Grey in real life ....but believe me there are no happy endings with this type of controlling man, however exciting they seem initially.