Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, it has no preference who you are or what part you play in society, whether you are rich, poor, or indeed famous....and statistically 1 in 4 women will be affected by domestic abuse at some point of their lives.    

I remember I was one of the people who during the Little Mo domestic abuse story line on EastEnders sat in bewilderment staring at my screen....frustrated...willing her to just pack a case and leave him.  I used to believe that if I was in a relationship like this in real life then I would simply pack a bag and go, there was no way I would ever let any one treat me like that.....it would only take one raised hand to me and I would be off out that door...wouldn't I ?

In reality ....I did end up being victim of domestic abuse ....and I didn't simply up and leave when I was issued with my first slap....but do I still consider myself a strong woman?......Well yes actually I do......I ended the relationship and lived on happily ...and anyone who has experienced this type of relationship will understand the strength, courage and determination it takes to do this.  

Domestic abuse is a complex pattern of abuse and like a spiders web it has so many different strands to it that when you are stuck in the middle, it's extremely hard to find a safe way out.  It creeps up on you over a period of time and before you know it you're trapped, feeling helpless and confused.  Don't get me wrong if my ex had slapped me across the face on our first date.....I would have grabbed my coat and left probably phoning the police to report an assault on the way!!!   If this was how abusers worked no one would go back for a second date...they know this and that's why domestic abuse is normally a cycle of good behaviour followed by an atrocity and then excuses and then the process repeats itself so the victim is in a constant state of confusing, not knowing whether the good or bad side of her partner is the one that will appear next.  

Of course in hind sight there were plenty of signs that the relationship was destined for abuse...but at the time I did not know what to look out for.  Things to be wary of are:

• The charmer - a full on  Prince charming in the first few weeks, proclaiming "undying love" , claiming you are the love of his life, he has never loved anyone as much as you   (this is all part of the trap to lure you in)
  
• Jealousy - at the beginning of the relationship this can be quite flattering but it is a very real warning sign, and it will get worse as the relationship progresses
• Controlling nature - does he want to know what you are doing all the time, do you feel that you have to constantly run things by him 
• Superiority  - be mindful if your partner thinks they are better than anyone else, often they feel that they are better than everyone else or that they maybe destined for fame
• Double standards - an abuser will often question you about one of their own issues, yet if you question them back all hell will break loose
• Isolation -  an abuser will often make it difficult for you to keep in touch with your family and friends, often taking an instant dislike to them, causing rifts, the aim is here to break down your support network
• Temper - an abuser will loose his temper if he doesn't get his own way, again this will get worse over time until you are constantly walking on eggshells and being careful about everything you say in case it causes an outburst
• Name calling - an abuser will undermine you with criticism and name calling, everyone in relationships has disagreements at some point, but an abusers aim is to run you down and undermine your confidence making you feel that every row is your fault in some way
• Alcohol/drugs- abusers will often attempt to excuse their behaviour by saying they lost control due to drink etc.  Yet when drunk with other people they are not abusive, so they are still fully in control of how they act.

Every woman should be aware of these signs, not all of them will appear at once and often people are in relationships for months before the true abusive characters begin to show their true colours.  We need to spread the word to make more people aware of how damaging domestic abuse is...and try and get these statistics reduced !

Like everyone else I was shocked by the admissions of one of Britain's famous actors who after admitting punching his ex-wife in the face then tried to justify it by saying it wasn't domestic abuse she was just hit ...and that apparently is different !!!  Domestic abuse does not just mean being punched in the face, domestic abuse covers a whole range of inexcusable behaviour: pushing, shoving, spitting at, dragging by the hair, biting, slapping to name a few.  Domestic abuse does not always take such a physical form though and its important to remember that the emotional abuse is the most deep routed which has an impact on its victim for years to follow, and you only have to read the interview by his ex in response to him to see the way his treatment still has an impact years later.  

Most domestic abusive relationships start with the emotional abuse and eventually lead to physical abuse.....often when the abuser feels he is losing that control!!  If you start to question the way your abusive partner is behaving and the hurtful things he says,  he is likely step it up a gear in attempt to install more fear and get the control back.  

Should we believe during an argument that if the woman is more intelligent and more able to win an argument, it is easy for the man to just lose control and lash out with his fist/hand???  No,.... there is simply NO EXCUSES for abusive behaviour.  Abusers will often say they were provoked, in this case it was due to his ex being a "strong, intelligent woman", in other cases I have heard abusers admit that they lashed out at their partner because they they were jealous of how "nice " their partner was .....again a ludicrous explanation,,,but one that unfortunately makes some warped kind of sense within an abusers mind!!!

Have no doubt that the abuser IS in control and he CHOOSES to assault.  Most abusers in an apparent fit of rage have enough control to switch back to "Mr Charming" if say for instance... the neighbours come round to see what all the racket is about.  Then once the front door is closed... they have the ability to launch straight back into the rage.  In a similar vein.... often women who have been victim to physical domestic abuse report  that the bruises they suffered were on parts of their body that were not on show.  Most say that the emotional abuse takes a lot longer to heal than the bruises.  

 An abuser is an expert in manipulation and "putting on a show" for the rest of the world, which is why unfortunately people who have suffered these types of relationships are often not believed.   The public sees the "showman",  and the abuser will lap this up during the relationship ...making public all the "nice" things he does for his partner, quite often they will seem like the dream couple.  Once the relationship is over the abuser will do everything possible to paint a terrible picture of their ex so that their family and friends don't think bad of them, they will often label their ex as the jealous one, or the one with mental issues....and these are the explanations they will give in order to attract a new partner.  A new partner will often come on the scene quite quickly as an abuser needs someone lined up who he can eventually abuse (unless they have years of counselling, abusers will often abuse their next partners at some point down the line).   If knowledge of the abuse to their ex does come out, they will always have a "reason" why it wasn't actual abuse...they will say it was just a "bad argument" or " I don't normally lash out but she really wound me up" or "I was drunk and had no control".  

Abusive behaviour has no excuses.  If you act like that then you alone are responsible for your actions!!!