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My Open Letter To E L James 

2/9/2013

13 Comments

 
Dear E L James.

I am writing an open letter to you – although I doubt if you will ever read it as your attitude towards domestic abuse issues seems to be to put your fingers in your ears and hope that we go away….well we won’t.

I am a domestic abuse survivor, although I have been called a lot of other things since campaigning to raise awareness of twitter.  I am one of the people who “freaks you out” by saying that your Fifty Shades trilogy is about domestic abuse.  I have no financial gain to be made by saying this,  I have no hidden agenda…I say they are about domestic abuse because quite simply … they are!

According to you people who point out the domestic abuse are “trivialising the issues and are doing women who actually go through it a huge disservice”.  I take great offence to this comment.  A lot of the women speaking out about domestic abuse ARE the women who have been through it – and we are hardly going to trivialise our own experiences are we?!

I and many others who have sent you polite tweets about our links of our domestic abuse experiences to you have been completely ignore by you and then blocked.  To then have you address the issue with that ignorant statement is beyond hurtful to DV survivors.  If you actually took the time to listen to all our experiences then I have no doubt you would see the similarities yourself, but you choose to ignore.

To be clear, we are not attacking the BDSM lifestyle, in fact I’ve had good chats with practitioners in this lifestyle who agree that the relationship you portray is indeed abuse.  Taking a virgin and pretty much “grooming” her into what you want is far from a consensual BDSM relationship and more about coercive control.

The reason I bought your books in the first place is because I was hoping for a “erotic love story”, as this is the way the books are marketed.  Only a few pages in I realised that this was not going to be the case.  The only way I can describe it is that it was like reading about my own abusive relationship that I had escaped from several years ago.  What you portray is NOT love, it is a living hell.  I existed when I was in that relationship (just)…I would not call it living,  let alone loving.

I continued reading the books because when I read about my own abuse and saw it romanticised in this way I felt compelled to speak up and warn others, and I would never speak out about something I was not knowledgeable in.  I was also kind of hoping that Ana may have realised that she was a soul draining, abusive relationship by book 3 but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.  Instead you decided to write the most unrealistic ending ever for this type of relationship…a happy one.  This then magnified the dangerous message these books give.

No domestic abuse relationship ends happily.  The abusers behaviour gets worse over time never better.  Abusers do not change suddenly and start putting their partners feelings before there own.  There ultimate goal is to have complete control over their partner to get them to do exactly what they want, and when the emotional abuse stops working….have no doubt that they physical abuse will come into play. 

The grim reality is – with relationships like the one you described in Fifty Shades, 2 women per week die in the UK:

  • 2 women who perhaps had no prior knowledge of domestic abuse.
  • 2 women who maybe didn’t see the warning signs quick enough
  • or when they finally did were too deep into the control to see a way out,
  • 2 women who maybe read your book and thought that this kind of controlling behaviour from your partner was somehow acceptable, romantic and he was just their “silly, control freak “.
The characteristics of an abuser are so apparent in the character of Christian Grey and so clear to me and others who have knowledge of domestic abuse.  Right from the beginning when he stalked her, throughout his manipulation of her, his scrutiny and monitoring of her to the extent that he bought the company she worked for so he could have complete control for her.  He does not want her to have any privacy and even employs her doctor and then follows her to her parents when she asked for space...and as for her being able to go out with friends ….Christ no!!! He immediately makes up some “security risk” so that he can pretend he is caring and looking out for her when in fact he is actually suffocating her.  Then there’s those dark mood swings, the “Jeckyll and Hyde” effect that us domestic abuse survivors are all too familiar with.  Wondering how to phrase a discussion about an every day situation like bumping into a friend and going for coffee with them without it turning into either an interrogation by the abuser or World War III because you dared to have an existence aside from him!  Then when your abuser has really been vile and you just start thinking “I’ve finally had enough”, they play the guilt trip card.  Phrases like “I’m a broken man, you are the only one that can fix me” and normally a play on some child hood abuse so that with your caring nature (like Ana’s) you feel too guilty to up and leave, you are mislead into believing that their abuse is somehow excused by this “misfortune” that fell upon them…and so you stay…and so the circle of abuse begins again.  Apart from this time it gets worse.

Now I’m all for literary freedom, but I do think that authors should take responsibility for the words they write and the way their books are marketed.  For example: when you read about a murder – its marketed as a murder mystery, when you read about something horrifying – its marketed as a horror, when you read about a domestic abuse relationship it should under no circumstances be marketed as a “love story”.

Every day on twitter I see women and teenage girls tweeting their love for Christian Grey, expressing how they want a real life Christian Grey.  Are we to suppose that all these women/girls actually want an abuser in their lives? ….No - your books have blinded them to the warning signs and characteristics of an abuser which Womens Aid, Refuge and other DV charities have worked so hard to make people aware of. 

Whether you want to hear it or not domestic abuse has some shocking and terrifying statistics: 1 in 4 women currently have experience of it.  I can categorically say having had my own “Christian Grey” experience that it was the worst time of my life, one that was hard to get out of, and one that I would not wish upon anyone.  There are no good memories from that relationship as like Ana, I was manipulated the whole way through it.

By ignoring our experiences and not even acknowledging the abuse in your books, you are preventing thousands of women from knowing the truth about domestic abuse. 

These women may go into relationships thinking that a man who tries to control them is “sexy” - its not, its abuse.

They may think that if their partner stalks them, or read their emails, follow them on their lunch break etc that it’s a sign of undying love, or harmless protection - its not, its abuse. 

Their “Christian Grey” type may present them with an “us against the world “ ideology and they may find it flattering that he wants them to be with him all the time - ts not, its abuse.

The women already in this abusive relationships may stay longer because your book has convinced them that if they only love him enough they will “heal” him, and he will change - he won’t,  the abuse will increase.

When you are controlled by a partner it is completely draining, they take away your independence, they are awkward, angry, sulky or moody when you want to see your friends until in the end its easier not to.  An abusers aim is to have ultimate control and they will use a series of different tactics to try and get it.

As the Author of this trilogy of domestic abuse, I hold you responsible for the damaging effect your words are having.  You have the ability to raise awareness of the domestic abuse within your books that real life domestic abuse survivors are recognising.  Please stop marketing the books as a “love story” this is so dangerous. As a woman you should want to empower other women so that they don’t become the 1 in 4 that suffers this terrible crime.

As domestic abuse survivors we already are aware of what domestic abuse is, and some of us following our experiences have learnt the warning signs to prevent it ever happening again.  Some unfortunately do not learn this and they are then at risk of suffering again.   Fans of Fifty Shades are at risk, they don’t see the signs and you have the power to change this.  Your fans made you rich, now its time to enrich them with awareness.  Knowledge is empowering and by making everyone aware of domestic abuse signs we can work to ending this dreadful, damaging crime.

We will continue to campaign, but I hope that you do the right thing for your fans.

Sparkleyloo

Domestic Abuse Aware

13 Comments
Kat
2/9/2013 04:58:57 am

I think it's obvious that E.L. James is herself in an abusive relationship. Her knowledge of the way an abuser works and the control he has can only have come from personal experience. Perhaps she herself is like Ana and doesn't realise that she is being controlled and abused. If this is what her fantasy of an erotic and loving relationship is like then I have nothing but pity for her.

I hope she reads your letter but I wouldn't hold your breath. She seems steadfast in her refusal to acknowledge her writing as DV. Maybe she won't acknowledge it because she's embarrassed... her readers can get an insight into her psyche and it shows someone who not only seems to desire this kind of relationship but also has it confused with true love.

Reply
BAYWIVES link
3/28/2013 11:04:01 am

Here's our latest episode check it out! The BAY WIVES The Bay Wives Episode 4. "Truth Hurts" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8B7GyK9MpY

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June link
7/27/2014 09:13:09 am

I love the work you do and I am grateful that people like you are out there, reversing the damage that people like EL James create. I am also a survivor of abuse and I am angry that EL James would flippantly disrespect victims of abuse and glorify and romanticize domestic violence. It's one thing to get off on fantasies but it's quite another to write irresponsibly and pretend you know what BDSM is when you haven't done the proper research. Labeling books in Western culture is a huge problem in my opinion—there needs to be necessary trigger warnings; not just by word of mouth. Anyway, I'd like to thank you again and to keep up the amazing work you do.

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Michelle
1/29/2015 01:52:32 pm

I have read these books many many many times and just don't get how anyone could think this is about domestic violence. To me its an intense love story surrounded by sexual lifestyle choices and ultimately change.

Can someone please show me anywhere in the books where Christian forces himself on Ana or doesn't give her the choice. She says yes and in most cases wants the kinky stuff. However the BDSM is not in it that much and when it is its all about pleasing Ana not abusing her.

Most of the fans of these books are women not men and for the simple reason is they are an escape fantasy that women want. If in any way it was related to DM women wouldnt want to read it. Women are not stupid and really its insulting you would think we are.

So people please see the books for what they are, a great read. Not a platform for issues in society.

Reply
DV
2/3/2015 09:51:19 am

@Michelle,

I am sorry that you do not see it, but it is unfortunately rather textbook abuse. If you want some evidence (which I'm sure you don't, but in case you're open to it) here are some great sites that illustrate what abuse is:

http://designedthinking.com/the-signs-of-emotional-abuse/

http://beautycares.org/how-to-recognize-an-abusive-relationship/

The rape scenes are horrifying - especially the second one where Christian plies her with alcohol, then TELLS her they're going to have sex. Then he beats her and rapes her a second time. Her thoughts afterwards are SCARY REAL for how battered women feel. That sense of unreality...and how many times does she feel ASHAMED or GUILTY after having sex with him? This is what happens after assault.

I would agree with Kat's comment...the depiction of an abusive relationship, right down to her thoughts after each incident are SO spot-on that I think James has either been in or is in a similar relationship. That would also explain her reaction of dismissing/getting angry/mocking people.

Reply
Kate
2/17/2015 02:44:34 am

Rather than wonder if she has been abused have you thought she may understand because she is an abuser?

DV
2/3/2015 09:51:31 am

@Michelle,

I am sorry that you do not see it, but it is unfortunately rather textbook abuse. If you want some evidence (which I'm sure you don't, but in case you're open to it) here are some great sites that illustrate what abuse is:

http://designedthinking.com/the-signs-of-emotional-abuse/

http://beautycares.org/how-to-recognize-an-abusive-relationship/

The rape scenes are horrifying - especially the second one where Christian plies her with alcohol, then TELLS her they're going to have sex. Then he beats her and rapes her a second time. Her thoughts afterwards are SCARY REAL for how battered women feel. That sense of unreality...and how many times does she feel ASHAMED or GUILTY after having sex with him? This is what happens after assault.

I would agree with Kat's comment...the depiction of an abusive relationship, right down to her thoughts after each incident are SO spot-on that I think James has either been in or is in a similar relationship. That would also explain her reaction of dismissing/getting angry/mocking people.

Reply
Jasmine
2/16/2015 06:51:31 am

When Ana pushes Christian off of her and says "no," he ignores her wishes and has sex with her anyways. Forcing someone into sexual intercourse without that person's consent is rape, nothing else.

Reply
Lindsay
2/19/2015 09:30:19 am

Two days ago I got told by fans of the book that my experience being abused by my ex husband makes my opinion on the subject of abuse and these books 'too colored by your past to be valid'.

In other words, because I'm an abuse survivor, I'm not allowed to publicly state that I feel Christian Grey is a narcissistic, violent, manipulative abuser. You know, because being married to a guy just like him apparently means I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Apparently E.L. James collect rabid fans just like her, who want to belittle us for our experiences with abuse.

Reply
Lynne
3/3/2015 07:12:25 am

Unfortunately this is the tactic they use. If you have been in a situation of domestic violence/abuse then they say you're too close to the situation. If you haven't been then they say how would you even know you've never been through it. The "fans" aren't interested in truth because it would mean admitting their titillated by rape.

Reply
Nance
3/2/2015 01:04:34 am

It is encouraging to read about women speaking out against domestic violence and against abusive relationships. The abuse is real. The love is not. This is speaking from my own relationship and experience. I would like more woman to be more aware about this kind of abuse. Abuse in any form should not be acceptable in any relationship. It should not be praised. There is no harm done to anyone when women who have been in these situations speak from experience and truth. Woman should choose to be in a healthy and loving relationship.

Reply
Margie link
3/2/2015 04:22:37 am

"Then when your abuser has really been vile and you just start thinking “I’ve finally had enough”, they play the guilt trip card. Phrases like “I’m a broken man, you are the only one that can fix me” and normally a play on some child hood abuse so that with your caring nature (like Ana’s) you feel too guilty to up and leave, you are mislead into believing that their abuse is somehow excused by this “misfortune” that fell upon them…and so you stay…and so the circle of abuse begins again. Apart from this time it gets worse." -----------. I've escaped two years now, but these words here gave me the chills. You are so correct... it's scary.

Reply
Jennifer link
4/10/2015 07:56:43 am

The movie was really hyped up before it came out and seemed to fizzle pretty quickly. Maybe people just didn't like it or didn't like the subject matter. Either way, I didn't see it.

Reply



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    I am a happy, fun, ordinary professional thirty something (for a few more months at least) woman,  who has lived and learnt and wants to put my negative experiences to some good use!!

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