Life After Domestic Abuse 
  • About
  • Where to get help
  • Contact me
  • Blog
  • Twitter

Fifty Shades minus the eroticism and money = abuse

8/16/2012

11 Comments

 
I didn’t set out to write so many blogs on the Fifty Shades series but then I didn’t expect women to be so taken by a book which when you take out the erotism is essentially a book about an domestic abusive relationship. 

Even when the abuse warning sides are highlighted women are still adamant that this fictional character that has “charmed” the nation is not abusive....how can he be ...he is an exciting millionaire?

The question is if Christian Grey wasn’t a millionaire and the e was removed would the characteristics of abuse be easier for women to recognise? 

So lets explore this and  say that Ana was helping her friend write an article on business and went to interview Christian a normal IT worker rather than the business owner.  She was still attracted to him on the initial meeting and there was a certain rapport but at the same time she felt overwhelmed and quite intimidated by his presence.  On leaving they had made no plans to meet further but out the blue he just turns up at her place of work saying that he was “in the area” but she hadn’t told him where she worked.  Does this sound normal...or maybe a bit creepy?

So quite rightly her gut feeling is that this is a bit weird but as she is attracted to him she ignores that feeling and the communications with him continue.  She carries on with her normal life and goes out and has some drinks with her friends to a club....and Christian (the IT worker) turns up unannounced in the club even though he doesn’t live nearby and would not normally go to that club.  She and her friends have had a bit too much to drink and her friend makes a pass that he would not normally make,  Ana is quite competent and can handle this  but Christian (the man she hardly knows) steps in and takes “ control” of the situation making  out she was in some kind of danger and he insists on driving her home.  Does she need to tell him where she lives?  No.... weirdly Christian ( the IT worker ) already knows this information because he has been stalking her......Ana is unsettled by this but again a bit flattered that he must like her a lot to go to all this effort.

Then very quickly into the developing relationship Christian ( the IT worker)  wants her to sign a contract that basically stipulates what she wears, how often she exercises, how much she sleeps, what she eats and details how many times a week she must see him....is this all still sounding like an exciting romantic relationship or  is this signalling an unhealthy realtionship?

Ana is struggling to understand this complex Christian (the IT worker) character – she knows he has been hurt in the past and is constantly worried that she cannot live up to his ex’s and won’t be able to please him and keep him happy.  She finds him moody and is often walking on egg shells as she doesn’t want to say or do something that will make his mood turn.  She finds herself crying a lot more than normal, but also  finds it hard to confide in her best friends as they probably wouldn’t understand this complex relationship . When she does tell Kate things Ana finds herself making excuses for Christian’s behaviour. 

Eventually  she realises she needs some time out and decides to go and visit her mum for some much needed “me” time  and an escape for a few days.  Christian seems moody when she tells him but then accepts that she is going but provides a phone for her to keep in contact with him.  After a couple of days alone Christian turns up out the blue ....he didn’t tell her that he had bought a plane ticket and certainly didn’t ask her if it was ok to interrupt her family time.... but this is normal behaviour isn’t it....or are you getting a sinister undertone now, does this man understand the need for personal space ?

Ana starts a new job but immediately Christian (the IT worker) is jealous of her boss and doesn’t like it when she is asked to attend a business meeting for work as it means her spending time with him.  Ana is annoyed that he does not trust her to handle herself.  Christian  is so jealous that he uses his IT expertise hacks into the work email system to read what emails she has been sending and also has one of his friends watch the office to see where she goes on her lunch break.......is this still romantic or would you maybe call it extreme controlling behaviour and invading privacy ?

Ana knows he is overprotective and extremely jealous of the male friends in her life and this unnerves her.  She manages to pass the feeling off,  “silly controlling over protective Christian” , “he is only like that because of how intense the relationship is”, “he has never felt this way about anyone before ”  ,” it just shows how much he cares” ....are just some of the things she keeps telling  herself .    As time goes on and the jealousy gets worse,  its difficult for her to even arrange a social event where any of her male friends are involved and she starts feeling torn between them and Christian.  She know that she needs to invite him to everything she does, but is disappointed that they only get to stay for fifteen minutes at Jose’s gallery event because Christian wanted to leave , especially as it had been such a while since she had seen her fiends.  Ana  starts to question why it is ok for Christian to stay in contact with his ex and even do IT work for her when it seems to be so difficult for her to have any kind of  friendships with men, even though these men have always been her friends and she has never been in a relationship with any of them!!  These “double standards” wind her up but Christian doesn’t understand how this is unfair and always manages to turn this back round in an argument so she feels at fault.

Something inside her starts telling her that she needs to get away from this man...but she doesn’t feel like she has the guts or strength  to do it.  Besides she has had great times with him, and when its good its fantastic.  On the flip side when it is bad it is terrible and she feels the worst she has ever felt . True love comes with a price though doesn’t it?  – she asks herself.   She feels like she is losing track of who she is.  Her friends and family have been commenting that she has lost her spark and that she is a shadow of her former self.  Can people have a relationship unless they change to suit their partner she wonders? She knows that Christian  is a very troubled character, he tells her himself that he is “damaged goods”.  She does not want to live life on the edge like this constantly worried about the state of the relationship, never feeling good enough.    Sometimes when she has “made him angry” she sees an edge to him, and she worries about what he is capable of.  She walks on egg shells trying to avoid the moment when happy Christian turns into angry Christian with dark eyes and a grey soul.

So if it was your friend going out with Christian ( the IT worker)  ...would you be able to see the signs of domestic abuse?  Would you tell her that someone who stalks you, checks your emails, turns up unexpectedly when you said you needed some space, is jealous of all your male friends , doesn’t like you going on business meetings because your boss is male, demonstrates severe lack of trust in you, has mood swings over nothing , can terrify you with a glance, tells you what to wear and eat, wants you to sign a contract etc, etc,  is the ideal boyfriend?  

Would you tell her that this sounds like a nice, normal healthy relationship?  Would you tell her this is the most “romantic” relationship you have ever heard of and they should really make a film about this to show women how “exciting “ relationships can be?  Would you be jealous because you wanted your own Christian (IT Worker) obsessively jealous, controlling dreamy boyfriend, would you post on social media sites that you wish you had a Christian (IT worker) of your own........OR would you see the danger signs that women who have suffered in domestic abusive relationships are seeing in this character  and tell her to get the hell out of the relationship (safely) and NEVER GO BACK ?!!!

I know what I would tell her!!  This may be “only a book” but it is giving a very dangerous message.     Please spread the warning signs of domestic abuse and help lower the statistics of this life destroying crime.  1 out of 4 women suffer from domestic abusive relationships, 2 women a week die, there is no happy ending!!

11 Comments

Reactions to Fifty Shades

8/11/2012

11 Comments

 
When I wrote my blogs demonstrating the warning signs of domestic abuse in the "Fifty Shades" trilogy,  I honestly thought that women would want to pass on this warning signs and spread the word about the dangers of these types of relationships.  The actually reaction was quite hostile from women who had enjoyed the books and has really highlighted to me how domestic abuse is still very much a taboo subject that people seem to reluctant to discuss.  The scale of the problem,  which is 1 in 4 women experiencing these types of relationships,  shockingly seems to go widely unrecognised.

In general views on the books are definitely split: those that have been in domestic abusive relationships (or have been close to someone who has) can see the similarities and are worried about the dangerous message this trilogy gives the public, whilst people who have had no experience of this seem to get personally offended that anyone dare slate the book in this way.  I have been racking my brains wondering why this is and thought it was worthwhile looking into this a bit closer.

So.... dealing with the most hostile of reactions: I have been told by women who seem quite exasperated by my blogs that I am just simply "wrong" and that it is not domestic abuse at all.  Just to clarify some facts:
  • I have actually read all of the first 2 books and have just started on the third, so my observations are based on what I have read and not just on hearsay
  • I have been unlucky enough to be in a domestic abusive relationship and their are vast similarities in Christian Greys character to the one of my abuser both in the things he does and says - I am not "wrong" in this !
  • Since my domestic abusive relationship I have contributed on forums specifically set up to help people suffering from domestic abuse, which all have first hand experiences from women describing a very similar type of abusive person
  • I have read countless books on domestic abuse, the characteristics that an abusive person displays and the clear warning signs that people should look out for during a relationships - all of the warning signs can be seen in Christian (as explained in my previous blog)
  • One of the books that was most significant was Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" - this is a book written by a man who works with abusers, so in my view you can't get any closer to the problem than he has! In his expert opinion men that displays abusive characteristics do not get better and the relationship tends to get worse and women are subjected to more danger the longer they stay.  This is why it is worrying that women are coming away with a positive opinion of Christian and the misguided opinion that men like him may change

If I am "wrong" in my observations, then all the women who have posted on domestic abuse sites about their experiences, all the people who have studied domestic abuse cases and wrote books about them, Charities that display the clear warning signs of unhealthy, abusive, dangerous relationships and the experts who attempt to work with the perpetrators of this awful crime are also wrong......which is highly unlikely !!!

The other opinion that I have come up across is that it can't be domestic abuse because he wrote a contract so it was consensual...really?  Two points here....firstly Ana never signed the contract in book one but this did not stop his controlling, abusive behaviour, this behaviour had started before any contract was signed.  Secondly if we take that opinion further does that mean that if I intend to hurt someone in any way it is acceptable as long as I have put it in writing and then manipulated them and pressurised them into signing it.

"It isn't domestic abuse it is just BDSM" is another popular "excuse".....well let me make it completely clear that the reason it is abuse is not because of the sexual practices that are going on in the bedroom, it is due to the whole of his behaviour and control of her...this is something I have continually stressed.  I have experience in an abusive relationship, so I think I am intelligent enough to  tell the difference between this and consenting adults having kinky sex.   I have also read articles on this book by people who practice BDSM relationships who state that the control ends outside the bedroom and this book is given people the wrong impression.

Shockingly women have tried to tell me that Ana wasn't suffering from abuse it was Christian because of his abuse as a child.  It is a fact that a large number of people who are abusers suffered some kind of abuse in childhood....what is not acceptable is that this can be seen as an excuse.  Everyone has choices and has to take responsibility for those choices - regardless of whether they had a happy childhood or not.  There is NEVER an excuse for abuse!!

So why are women so adamant that Christian is not abusive even when the warning signs are pretty much spelt out for them - with examples from people who have suffered domestic abusive relationships? I've thought about this a lot and then realised something ...these women have fallen for the charm of Christian Grey like I fell for the charm of my abuser.  I did not tell anyone about the abuse I was suffering because partly I was confused about what was happening, scared and embarrassed that the thing I said would never happen to me actually had happened!!  I had fell for an abusive man, I was one of the women who stayed in a terrible relationship for too long.  Nobody wants to admit that they have been tricked, conned, charmed into thinking that they had Prince Charming when in fact they had ended up with the devil.  Similarly the women who are posting all over social network sites that they wish they had their own Christian Grey, when confronted with the warning signs do not want to admit that they are just as vulnerable to this crime as the survivors of domestic abuse.

I may get shouted down by other women..... but I will never stop campaigning to raise awareness of domestic abuse.  No one should ever feel trapped in a dangerous relationship like that.  Young women  and girls should be taught the warning signs as part of their school syllabus.  Maybe use Fifty Shades as a case study but change the ending so it is more realistic to real life domestic abuse where 2 women die a week!!

11 Comments

Christian Grey V Signs of a Domestic Abusive Relationship

7/18/2012

8 Comments

 
After reading the first Fifty Shades of Grey I  was left feeling  uneasy.  I had been hearing people rave about this book and how they would like a real life Christian Grey, but whilst I was reading it I recognised all the  personality traits that my domestic abuser had.  When comparing Christian Grey to any domestic abuse/violence warning sign check list it becomes more apparent.  So I thought it was worthwhile to go through the list warning sign at a time and illustrate where Christian is behaving in this manner.  Hopefully after reading this it will help diminish the "fantasy" of a "dream man" Christian Grey.  Yes, these men are easy to fall for as they are often "charm" personified but behind this charm front lies a very dangerous and disturbed personality.

Domestic Abuse Warning Signs


Jealousy
Christian shows his jealousy right from the very beginning when there is tension with Paul in the hardware store.  More apparently with his jealousy of her friend Jose.  Ana could have handled Jose's approaches on her own but Christian turns up out the blue and steps in, making the whole situation blow completely out of proportion. Ana herself is aware of the jealous nature as she teases Christian with an image of a hunky masseur, which she knows will wind him up.  Also on the plane journey she wonders why she is the only person both times with an empty seat next to her.  Could Christian have bought the seat so that no one sat next to her? The answer to this is almost certainly yes, he had the money and being a jealous type he wouldn't have wanted to risk having a man sit next to her incase they started up a conversation.

Constantly checking up on partner - stalking
This is apparent right from the word go when Christian appears at Ana's work place,  He then "turns up" on her night out, and knows where she lives.  It appears he has put a tracking device on her phone - are we to accept that this is "normal" behaviour...I mean really ....... this is so typical of the abusive personality.  He needs to know her whereabouts at all times, which is why he is constantly offering her lifts from his driver, buying her a laptop and mobile so he can keep in touch with her,  He even follows her to her mother's house when she has clearly gone away to get a break from the intensity of it all.  He knows no meaning of the phrase "personal space".

Controlling
Christian is undoubtedly a control freak, Ana even labels him with this herself.  His control of her is of utmost importance to him which is why the signing of the contract is so important to him, even though he knows its not legally binding he wants to know that he has won all control.  He makes the smallest personal decisions for her by ordering her drink, food in restaurants, buying her clothes and wanting her to wear only what he tells her to in his company.  He wants to tell her what to eat and how regularly and he wants a personal trainer for her.  He does all this excusing it as his concern for her welfare when it is just about pure power.  He even wants her to work for him, but luckily for her she has not succumbed to this.

Isolation
With the onset of their relationship you can see the isolation from Ana's friends and family starting to happen.  Christian is not trying to get to know her best friend Kate, probably because he knows that she can see straight through him and thinks he is bad news.  Ana in turn has stopped confiding as much in Kate, and you can see that this relationship is not as close as it was.  Ana was prevented to have any alone time with her mum and family when Christian just "turned up" on her break there.  Christian is also trying to drive a wedge between Ana and Jose after exaggerating the incident that Jose has already apologised for.

Abusers do not like their partners to be in other peoples company without them and will often just turn up or make it difficult and cause arguments when they want to go out on their own.  Eventually their partner will stop making arrangements to go out as they cannot stand the arguing that takes place if they make their own arrangements.  The abuser will always insinuate that their partners friends are trying to cause trouble between them.

Charming
You will often here people who have been in abusive relationships refer to their partners as like "Prince Charming" to begin with.  Christian is full of charm and it is this that wins Ana round and keeps her interest in between the wierdness of the whole contract issue.  He builds her up to be special as he keeps referring to things they are doing together as the "first time" for him.  This type of phrase is reminiscent of the popular abuser lines "I've never loved anyone as much", "you are the only person for me" etc etc...they use these lines to draw their victims in quickly so they can start their torture.  If they weren't charming aswell they would never get passed the first date!!

Quick Involvement
All abusers as mentioned in the charm characteristics like to "hook" their partners quickly and Christian is no different when you consider how quickly he moves from the initial interview to talking about signing a contract, throughout their early relationship there is always an underlying pressure for her to commit.

Unrealistic Expectations
This is apparent throughout the whole of Christian's contract.  He is also very manipulative in the way he drops in references to his older woman and previous subs, so Ana begins to think that she is to blame if she cannot do the things he asks of her.

Blame Shifting 
Abusers do not accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem.  They always holds the victim responsible for their own sense of well being , as Christian does.  If he does not like something Ana says or does he always says he will punish her.

Hypersensitivity
Christian sees preferences for something that differs from his own as a criticism of his taste....and this is a very common characteristic in abusive personalities.  If Ana acts differently to how he thinks in his head she should he then gets angry or sulks.

Playful use of force in sex
This needs no explanation as its the essence of the book, but needless to say one of the key warning signs of a potentially dangerous relationship is when the man carries out violent acts during sex.  Where they want the woman to be helpless, or show no interest to whether the woman actually wants sex, how many times in the book do we hear Christian stating "I'm going to take you know"?!!  They also uses sulking, manipulation and anger to get their own way sexually.

Rigid Gender roles
Male abusers like Christian see women as inferior and expect them to obey and serve them, they have an all round negative attitude towards women.

Dr Jeckyll & Mr Hyde 
It is important to note that abusers are often viewed as charming, well respected people to the outside world.  Within their relationships they can be charming and nice and seemingly "gentle" one minute to then completely change into a monster the next,  Ana often talks about a sudden change in Christian's moods, and I have a feeling that this will become clearer in the next two books.

History of abuse
Often Abusers will have a history of abusing other women eg: Christian's previous "subs", and will also have suffered some kind of abuse themselves, as briefly touched on in Christian's childhood.

Threatening Violence
Apart from the sexual dark fantasies, this has been subtle so far in the book but it is there.  Notably when Ana teases him via email Christian says that if she did that again he would "put her in a crate".  This causes uneasiness in Ana and he later passes this off as a "joke".  What is is though is a threat that adds to the undermining of Ana, with comments like this she feels fearful of what he is capable, and Christian wants her in a place where she is scared of him so that she will do as she is told.

Verbal Abuse
Abusers will say cruel hurtful things to their partners and degrading remarks to continually undermine their partners confidence and this is something that gets worse over time so I think it will be interesting to see how this transpires in books 2 and 3.

Finally Ana's own behaviour is so reminiscent of a victim of domestic abuse:
  • feeling confused about the relationship and his behaviour
  • constantly trying to work Christian out
  • uncontrollably crying, feeling emotional all the time
  • not telling her friends everything for fear of them telling her she is being stupid etc.
  • walking on eggshells with Christian as she does not know how he will react to things eg: being scared to tell him abut Jose's show
  • feeling inadequate, feeling that she will not be able to please him in the way he wants and ignoring her own feelings and needs
  • feeling insecure - she is even starting to get jealous of previous relationships
  • becoming withdrawn and a shadow of her former self, which is why her friends and family are starting to ask what is wrong.

All of these signs are just in book 1 so I dread to think how many more will seem familiar in the rest of the trilogy.

This book highlights the real need to spread the warning signs of domestic abuse as I am pretty sure that the majority of women picking up on the signs of a dangerous man in this character are women who have been unlucky enough to be the 1 in 4 of us that suffers from a domestic abusive relationship.

We shouldn't be glossing over domestic abuse in novels like this and calling it "erotic fiction", "mummy porn" we should be analysing it and passing on these clear warnings through education to teenage girls   We need to lso they do not suffer under the hands of a controlling man.  Frighteningly 2 women a week die from domestic abuse...its time we made everyone aware!!!!








  




8 Comments

Fifty Shades of Domestic Abuse 

7/8/2012

1 Comment

 
Well after all the hype surrounding this book,  I decided to read this book and am just about half way through.  What I have found so far is ringing every alarm bell...even reading the synopsis on the back of the book was worrying.  From what I have read I can categorically say to that Christian Grey is real, his characteristics can be found in most domestic abusive men....as 1 in 4 women who have suffered an abusive relationship will tell you.  

So far I have read how Christian :
  • has a controlling nature
  • is manipulative
  • has mood swings, can be playful one minute but turns nasty the minute that Ana does or says something that he does not agree with
  • Wants Ana to be "his", he wants to own her like a piece of property
  • Thinks she should be punished if she doesn't do exactly as he says
  • See's her close friends eg: Kate as threats, mainly because he knows Kate can see straight through him
  • Is jealous of the men in her life
  • Stalks her to find out where she is 
  • Turns up unexpectedly at her house
  • Wants to tell her what to wear


All of these characteristics can be found in any article writing about the signs to look out for in domestic abusive men and relationships.  Unfortunately the amount of women who are swooning over this person have all been swept up in the "charm" that he also demonstrates, which is the same charm that most of the women who found themselves in domestic relationships fell for.

I am going to continue to read the books because I am interested to see how it turns out , but so far all the signs are there.  Women may thinkong they want their own Christian Grey in real life ....but believe me there are no happy endings with this type of controlling man, however exciting they seem initially.
1 Comment

If you are suffering from Domestic Abuse ....get out (safely) and stay out.....

5/12/2012

0 Comments

 
Domestic abuse is hitting the headlines with Shane Jenkin's sentencing for his horrific attack on his girlfriend Tina Nash a year ago.  Like many people who have read this story I was utterly shocked and horrified by the things this abusive man did to his partner.  Since the attack the pain that this woman has had to live through both physically and mentally is unthinkable ...no one should ever have to experience anything like this and my heart goes out to her.  

The story raised comments off  people on social media sites as to how could people carry out such cruel acts, the terms "monster", "evil" and "sick" have been used to describe him.  The general public have been utterly shocked by this horrendous, evil act.  I too found the details painful to read, but like the 1 in 4 women who have suffered from domestic abuse, I also read the story and listened to Tina's interviews with a chilling sense of familiarity.  Some of the things she described could have been written by me, or be many of the other women who have talked about their domestic abusive relationships .....but I was lucky I got out before it was too late.  

Like Tina and all the other women who have suffered under the rule of an abuser, I stayed for too long in the hope that he would  keep the charming side that also made appearances during the relationship, hoping he would change, get help, realise what he was doing.  The nurturing side of me wanted to help him...but make no mistake these men cannot be helped.  They have no consciences so they do no think like us.  They are capable of anything, dangerous acts that we as decent, caring people with consciences could not even begin to comprehend.  

Read any domestic abuse forum, news article etc and you will see a pattern, these abusive men are strikingly similar.  Dennis Waterman admitted his ex wife Rula Lenska ....but it was not his fault.  Shane Jenkin throttled Tina Nash while she was in bed and gauged her eyes out with his fingers whilst she was unconscious and she came round to him saying "Oh my god your eye is hanging out of your head" and "its' all your fault, I'm going to get years for this". He even tried to make up a ridiculous story about a group of women carrying out the attack on her.   Abusers never take full responsibility for what they have done.  It will always be the victims fault, or they may try for the diminished responsibility angle and claim to have been under the influence of drink, drugs, mental illness.  

The terrible truth is that these abusive people know exactly what they are doing and are in full control of their actions.  They can carry out these awful things because inside they are cold, not capable of real human emotion,  they do not know how to love, they have no conscience and all they strive for is control over someone else.  The first thing they do after committing one of these acts is to think of themselves - how will they look to the outside world?, what excuse can they make up for what they have done,  how long will they have to go to prison for?  how is this going to affect them?  There is chillingly no sense of remorse or sympathy to the actual victim which is why it tellingly took 12 hours of pleading after the attack before Shane Jenkin allowed Tina's son to call for help.  I have heard how abusers threaten to break their partners neck, get their hands round their throats, cover their partners mouth and nose to prevent them crying for help so that the only way out is to fake collapse so you don't actual suffocate....does the abuser then realise he has gone to far?.....No instead he will step over the collapsed woman on the floor maybe kicking her on the way past ....and leave the room...not once checking if she is OK.  Only to then start again once the woman has come round saying "you can't keep making me this angry ", "this was all your fault", "look what you made me do".  There may be a gap before the next attack where everything seems normal, but the statistics show that there will be a next time...and the attack will be worse than its previous one.

Tina is a brave and courageous woman who has faced challenges everyday since the attack, but inspiringly what is important to her now is to live her life to the full, look after her sons, raise domestic awareness and pass on the important message that can save lives:

IF YOU ARE IN A DOMESTIC ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, ASK FOR HELP AND GET OUT SAFELY, AND NEVER RETURN!!!!  These relationships never get better, they always get worse, never under estimate what these people are capable of, they can cause unthinkable damage, destroy lives and kill (2 women a week die form domestic abuse).  There is support out there ....if you suspect you are in a relationship like this please ask for advice.  It could save your life.  Once you have left the relationship BREAK ALL CONTACT........End the control and start to live a life that will be more rewarding and fulfilling whatever happens because you will be the person in control of it ! 

If you need help there are links to Womens Aid on my website.  Make the change today xx
0 Comments

This Charming Sociopath

4/6/2012

0 Comments

 
Unfortunately there are no clear physical attributes that would define an abuser, they look just like you and me.  In fact for the first few weeks, months, years...or however long it takes for you to become under their spell, they will act relatively normal aswell.  If you know what to look for there will be signs, and the too good to be true "charmer" is normally one of them.

Charm is a clever tactic used to lure you and it is often difficult for even the most level headed person not to be flattered and fall for all the common abuser lines.  Time and time again on domestic abuse forums women quote the following lines that their abusive partner has said, for example:
"in you I've found my soulmate"
"I've never met anyone like you"
"You are the love of my life"
"No one else knows me like you do"
"I've never loved anyone like I love you"
"You are all that I want"
"I can't continue life without you"
These are just words meant to catch your heart and quite often the declaration of undying love will happen fairly early on in the relationship.  There is a motive behind saying these words quickly ....the quicker they get you "hooked", the quicker they can head toward their ultimate goal, which is to gain full control of you.  Make no mistake, the thing that we often mistake as love from an abuser is never love.  Abusers do not know how to love, their only aim in life is to feel powerful and they gain their power by taking control of someone else.

Ask yourself these questions - could you ever intentionally hurt the person you love most in the world? Could you watch them break down uncontrollably sobbing because of the things that you have said or done to them?  Thankfully for most people the answer to these questions will be "No".  The majority of us have a conscience which leads us to act with decency and love towards other human because of the need to bond with others.

After reading "The Sociopath Next Door" Martha Stout it made sense why abusive men say things like they were "lashing out" at how easy their partners found it to be nice, or other good qualities: compassion, kindness, strength of character, intellect.  They are "lashing out" because they will never have the bonds that their partners have with other people.  The bonds that abusers do have are illusional because unlike the majority, they do not have a conscience to keep them bonded.  This is how they can repeatedly, and intentionally say cruel things and mentally and physically harm their partner, whilst putting on a display of "love" to the rest of the world.  They are jealous of the attributes that we mistakenly believe most human beings have, but that abusive lack.

Abusers are sociopaths with no sense of real belonging in the world.  This is why domestic abuse victims often report their abusive partners as having said that they "don't know eho they are" or "feel empty inside".  These are probably the only true words that come out of an abusers mouth.  Their lack of identity and lack of conscience enables them to do whatever they want without feeling any remorse.

Their whole purpose in life is to win, to "get one up on people", to gain power. Whent they do "nice acts" there is normally a motive behind them, it is normally to get people exactly where they want them to be.  Their real nature is a disturbing coldness, devoid of any real emotion. They aim to gain their partners love and trust, they normally pick nice people with the ability to become most vunerable due to their high levels of moral conscience.  Their thrill comes when they completely undermine their partners faith and destroy those qualities that they, as sociopath abusers devoid of conscience, can never have.

If you are entering a new relationship be very wary of people who are overtly charming, those who sweep you off your feet and promise you the world and more.  Try and keep your wits about you and remember the old saying that if something is too good to be true....it generally is!!


0 Comments

Domestic Abuse ....it wouldn't happen to me .....would it?

3/25/2012

0 Comments

 
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, it has no preference who you are or what part you play in society, whether you are rich, poor, or indeed famous....and statistically 1 in 4 women will be affected by domestic abuse at some point of their lives.    

I remember I was one of the people who during the Little Mo domestic abuse story line on EastEnders sat in bewilderment staring at my screen....frustrated...willing her to just pack a case and leave him.  I used to believe that if I was in a relationship like this in real life then I would simply pack a bag and go, there was no way I would ever let any one treat me like that.....it would only take one raised hand to me and I would be off out that door...wouldn't I ?

In reality ....I did end up being victim of domestic abuse ....and I didn't simply up and leave when I was issued with my first slap....but do I still consider myself a strong woman?......Well yes actually I do......I ended the relationship and lived on happily ...and anyone who has experienced this type of relationship will understand the strength, courage and determination it takes to do this.  

Domestic abuse is a complex pattern of abuse and like a spiders web it has so many different strands to it that when you are stuck in the middle, it's extremely hard to find a safe way out.  It creeps up on you over a period of time and before you know it you're trapped, feeling helpless and confused.  Don't get me wrong if my ex had slapped me across the face on our first date.....I would have grabbed my coat and left probably phoning the police to report an assault on the way!!!   If this was how abusers worked no one would go back for a second date...they know this and that's why domestic abuse is normally a cycle of good behaviour followed by an atrocity and then excuses and then the process repeats itself so the victim is in a constant state of confusing, not knowing whether the good or bad side of her partner is the one that will appear next.  

Of course in hind sight there were plenty of signs that the relationship was destined for abuse...but at the time I did not know what to look out for.  Things to be wary of are:
  • The charmer - a full on  Prince charming in the first few weeks, proclaiming "undying love" , claiming you are the love of his life, he has never loved anyone as much as you   (this is all part of the trap to lure you in)
  • Jealousy - at the beginning of the relationship this can be quite flattering but it is a very real warning sign, and it will get worse as the relationship progresses
  • Controlling nature - does he want to know what you are doing all the time, do you feel that you have to constantly run things by him 
  • Superiority  - be mindful if your partner thinks they are better than anyone else, often they feel that they are better than everyone else or that they maybe destined for fame
  • Double standards - an abuser will often question you about one of their own issues, yet if you question them back all hell will break loose
  • Isolation -  an abuser will often make it difficult for you to keep in touch with your family and friends, often taking an instant dislike to them, causing rifts, the aim is here to break down your support network
  • Temper - an abuser will loose his temper if he doesn't get his own way, again this will get worse over time until you are constantly walking on eggshells and being careful about everything you say in case it causes an outburst
  • Name calling - an abuser will undermine you with criticism and name calling, everyone in relationships has disagreements at some point, but an abusers aim is to run you down and undermine your confidence making you feel that every row is your fault in some way
  • Alcohol/drugs- abusers will often attempt to excuse their behaviour by saying they lost control due to drink etc.  Yet when drunk with other people they are not abusive, so they are still fully in control of how they act.

Every woman should be aware of these signs, not all of them will appear at once and often people are in relationships for months before the true abusive characters begin to show their true colours.  We need to spread the word to make more people aware of how damaging domestic abuse is...and try and get these statistics reduced !



0 Comments

Domestic Abuse back in the public eye

3/24/2012

3 Comments

 
Like everyone else I was shocked by the admissions of one of Britain's famous actors who after admitting punching his ex-wife in the face then tried to justify it by saying it wasn't domestic abuse she was just hit ...and that apparently is different !!!  Domestic abuse does not just mean being punched in the face, domestic abuse covers a whole range of inexcusable behaviour: pushing, shoving, spitting at, dragging by the hair, biting, slapping to name a few.  Domestic abuse does not always take such a physical form though and its important to remember that the emotional abuse is the most deep routed which has an impact on its victim for years to follow, and you only have to read the interview by his ex in response to him to see the way his treatment still has an impact years later.  

Most domestic abusive relationships start with the emotional abuse and eventually lead to physical abuse.....often when the abuser feels he is losing that control!!  If you start to question the way your abusive partner is behaving and the hurtful things he says,  he is likely step it up a gear in attempt to install more fear and get the control back.  

Should we believe during an argument that if the woman is more intelligent and more able to win an argument, it is easy for the man to just lose control and lash out with his fist/hand???  No,.... there is simply NO EXCUSES for abusive behaviour.  Abusers will often say they were provoked, in this case it was due to his ex being a "strong, intelligent woman", in other cases I have heard abusers admit that they lashed out at their partner because they they were jealous of how "nice " their partner was .....again a ludicrous explanation,,,but one that unfortunately makes some warped kind of sense within an abusers mind!!!

Have no doubt that the abuser IS in control and he CHOOSES to assault.  Most abusers in an apparent fit of rage have enough control to switch back to "Mr Charming" if say for instance... the neighbours come round to see what all the racket is about.  Then once the front door is closed... they have the ability to launch straight back into the rage.  In a similar vein.... often women who have been victim to physical domestic abuse report  that the bruises they suffered were on parts of their body that were not on show.  Most say that the emotional abuse takes a lot longer to heal than the bruises.  

 An abuser is an expert in manipulation and "putting on a show" for the rest of the world, which is why unfortunately people who have suffered these types of relationships are often not believed.   The public sees the "showman",  and the abuser will lap this up during the relationship ...making public all the "nice" things he does for his partner, quite often they will seem like the dream couple.  Once the relationship is over the abuser will do everything possible to paint a terrible picture of their ex so that their family and friends don't think bad of them, they will often label their ex as the jealous one, or the one with mental issues....and these are the explanations they will give in order to attract a new partner.  A new partner will often come on the scene quite quickly as an abuser needs someone lined up who he can eventually abuse (unless they have years of counselling, abusers will often abuse their next partners at some point down the line).   If knowledge of the abuse to their ex does come out, they will always have a "reason" why it wasn't actual abuse...they will say it was just a "bad argument" or " I don't normally lash out but she really wound me up" or "I was drunk and had no control".  

Abusive behaviour has no excuses.  If you act like that then you alone are responsible for your actions!!!

3 Comments
Forward>>

    Author

    I am a happy, fun, ordinary professional thirty something (for a few more months at least) woman,  who has lived and learnt and wants to put my negative experiences to some good use!!

    Archives

    February 2014
    April 2013
    February 2013
    December 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012

    Categories

    All
    Anna Larke
    Channel 5
    Chris Brown
    Christian Grey
    Controlling Men
    Daisy Wyatt
    Domestic Abuse
    Domestic Violence
    E L James
    Fifty Shades
    Jahmene Douglas
    Justin Lee Collins
    Manipulative Men
    Oscar Pistorius
    Reeva Steenkamp
    Safety Online
    Shane Jenkin
    Tina Nash
    Women's Aid
    Women's Aid
    X Factor

    RSS Feed


Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.