I didn’t set out to write so many blogs on the Fifty Shades series but then I didn’t expect women to be so taken by a book which when you take out the erotism is essentially a book about an domestic abusive relationship. 

Even when the abuse warning sides are highlighted women are still adamant that this fictional character that has “charmed” the nation is not abusive....how can he be ...he is an exciting millionaire?

The question is if Christian Grey wasn’t a millionaire and the e was removed would the characteristics of abuse be easier for women to recognise? 

So lets explore this and  say that Ana was helping her friend write an article on business and went to interview Christian a normal IT worker rather than the business owner.  She was still attracted to him on the initial meeting and there was a certain rapport but at the same time she felt overwhelmed and quite intimidated by his presence.  On leaving they had made no plans to meet further but out the blue he just turns up at her place of work saying that he was “in the area” but she hadn’t told him where she worked.  Does this sound normal...or maybe a bit creepy?

So quite rightly her gut feeling is that this is a bit weird but as she is attracted to him she ignores that feeling and the communications with him continue.  She carries on with her normal life and goes out and has some drinks with her friends to a club....and Christian (the IT worker) turns up unannounced in the club even though he doesn’t live nearby and would not normally go to that club.  She and her friends have had a bit too much to drink and her friend makes a pass that he would not normally make,  Ana is quite competent and can handle this  but Christian (the man she hardly knows) steps in and takes “ control” of the situation making  out she was in some kind of danger and he insists on driving her home.  Does she need to tell him where she lives?  No.... weirdly Christian ( the IT worker ) already knows this information because he has been stalking her......Ana is unsettled by this but again a bit flattered that he must like her a lot to go to all this effort.

Then very quickly into the developing relationship Christian ( the IT worker)  wants her to sign a contract that basically stipulates what she wears, how often she exercises, how much she sleeps, what she eats and details how many times a week she must see him....is this all still sounding like an exciting romantic relationship or  is this signalling an unhealthy realtionship?

Ana is struggling to understand this complex Christian (the IT worker) character – she knows he has been hurt in the past and is constantly worried that she cannot live up to his ex’s and won’t be able to please him and keep him happy.  She finds him moody and is often walking on egg shells as she doesn’t want to say or do something that will make his mood turn.  She finds herself crying a lot more than normal, but also  finds it hard to confide in her best friends as they probably wouldn’t understand this complex relationship . When she does tell Kate things Ana finds herself making excuses for Christian’s behaviour. 

Eventually  she realises she needs some time out and decides to go and visit her mum for some much needed “me” time  and an escape for a few days.  Christian seems moody when she tells him but then accepts that she is going but provides a phone for her to keep in contact with him.  After a couple of days alone Christian turns up out the blue ....he didn’t tell her that he had bought a plane ticket and certainly didn’t ask her if it was ok to interrupt her family time.... but this is normal behaviour isn’t it....or are you getting a sinister undertone now, does this man understand the need for personal space ?

Ana starts a new job but immediately Christian (the IT worker) is jealous of her boss and doesn’t like it when she is asked to attend a business meeting for work as it means her spending time with him.  Ana is annoyed that he does not trust her to handle herself.  Christian  is so jealous that he uses his IT expertise hacks into the work email system to read what emails she has been sending and also has one of his friends watch the office to see where she goes on her lunch break.......is this still romantic or would you maybe call it extreme controlling behaviour and invading privacy ?

Ana knows he is overprotective and extremely jealous of the male friends in her life and this unnerves her.  She manages to pass the feeling off,  “silly controlling over protective Christian” , “he is only like that because of how intense the relationship is”, “he has never felt this way about anyone before ”  ,” it just shows how much he cares” ....are just some of the things she keeps telling  herself .    As time goes on and the jealousy gets worse,  its difficult for her to even arrange a social event where any of her male friends are involved and she starts feeling torn between them and Christian.  She know that she needs to invite him to everything she does, but is disappointed that they only get to stay for fifteen minutes at Jose’s gallery event because Christian wanted to leave , especially as it had been such a while since she had seen her fiends.  Ana  starts to question why it is ok for Christian to stay in contact with his ex and even do IT work for her when it seems to be so difficult for her to have any kind of  friendships with men, even though these men have always been her friends and she has never been in a relationship with any of them!!  These “double standards” wind her up but Christian doesn’t understand how this is unfair and always manages to turn this back round in an argument so she feels at fault.

Something inside her starts telling her that she needs to get away from this man...but she doesn’t feel like she has the guts or strength  to do it.  Besides she has had great times with him, and when its good its fantastic.  On the flip side when it is bad it is terrible and she feels the worst she has ever felt . True love comes with a price though doesn’t it?  – she asks herself.   She feels like she is losing track of who she is.  Her friends and family have been commenting that she has lost her spark and that she is a shadow of her former self.  Can people have a relationship unless they change to suit their partner she wonders? She knows that Christian  is a very troubled character, he tells her himself that he is “damaged goods”.  She does not want to live life on the edge like this constantly worried about the state of the relationship, never feeling good enough.    Sometimes when she has “made him angry” she sees an edge to him, and she worries about what he is capable of.  She walks on egg shells trying to avoid the moment when happy Christian turns into angry Christian with dark eyes and a grey soul.

So if it was your friend going out with Christian ( the IT worker)  ...would you be able to see the signs of domestic abuse?  Would you tell her that someone who stalks you, checks your emails, turns up unexpectedly when you said you needed some space, is jealous of all your male friends , doesn’t like you going on business meetings because your boss is male, demonstrates severe lack of trust in you, has mood swings over nothing , can terrify you with a glance, tells you what to wear and eat, wants you to sign a contract etc, etc,  is the ideal boyfriend?  

Would you tell her that this sounds like a nice, normal healthy relationship?  Would you tell her this is the most “romantic” relationship you have ever heard of and they should really make a film about this to show women how “exciting “ relationships can be?  Would you be jealous because you wanted your own Christian (IT Worker) obsessively jealous, controlling dreamy boyfriend, would you post on social media sites that you wish you had a Christian (IT worker) of your own........OR would you see the danger signs that women who have suffered in domestic abusive relationships are seeing in this character  and tell her to get the hell out of the relationship (safely) and NEVER GO BACK ?!!!

I know what I would tell her!!  This may be “only a book” but it is giving a very dangerous message.     Please spread the warning signs of domestic abuse and help lower the statistics of this life destroying crime.  1 out of 4 women suffer from domestic abusive relationships, 2 women a week die, there is no happy ending!!

When I wrote my blogs demonstrating the warning signs of domestic abuse in the "Fifty Shades" trilogy,  I honestly thought that women would want to pass on this warning signs and spread the word about the dangers of these types of relationships.  The actually reaction was quite hostile from women who had enjoyed the books and has really highlighted to me how domestic abuse is still very much a taboo subject that people seem to reluctant to discuss.  The scale of the problem,  which is 1 in 4 women experiencing these types of relationships,  shockingly seems to go widely unrecognised.

In general views on the books are definitely split: those that have been in domestic abusive relationships (or have been close to someone who has) can see the similarities and are worried about the dangerous message this trilogy gives the public, whilst people who have had no experience of this seem to get personally offended that anyone dare slate the book in this way.  I have been racking my brains wondering why this is and thought it was worthwhile looking into this a bit closer.

So.... dealing with the most hostile of reactions: I have been told by women who seem quite exasperated by my blogs that I am just simply "wrong" and that it is not domestic abuse at all.  Just to clarify some facts:

• I have actually read all of the first 2 books and have just started on the third, so my observations are based on what I have read and not just on hearsay
  
• I have been unlucky enough to be in a domestic abusive relationship and their are vast similarities in Christian Greys character to the one of my abuser both in the things he does and says - I am not "wrong" in this !
  
• Since my domestic abusive relationship I have contributed on forums specifically set up to help people suffering from domestic abuse, which all have first hand experiences from women describing a very similar type of abusive person
• I have read countless books on domestic abuse, the characteristics that an abusive person displays and the clear warning signs that people should look out for during a relationships - all of the warning signs can be seen in Christian (as explained in my previous blog)
• One of the books that was most significant was Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" - this is a book written by a man who works with abusers, so in my view you can't get any closer to the problem than he has! In his expert opinion men that displays abusive characteristics do not get better and the relationship tends to get worse and women are subjected to more danger the longer they stay.  This is why it is worrying that women are coming away with a positive opinion of Christian and the misguided opinion that men like him may change

If I am "wrong" in my observations, then all the women who have posted on domestic abuse sites about their experiences, all the people who have studied domestic abuse cases and wrote books about them, Charities that display the clear warning signs of unhealthy, abusive, dangerous relationships and the experts who attempt to work with the perpetrators of this awful crime are also wrong......which is highly unlikely !!!

The other opinion that I have come up across is that it can't be domestic abuse because he wrote a contract so it was consensual...really?  Two points here....firstly Ana never signed the contract in book one but this did not stop his controlling, abusive behaviour, this behaviour had started before any contract was signed.  Secondly if we take that opinion further does that mean that if I intend to hurt someone in any way it is acceptable as long as I have put it in writing and then manipulated them and pressurised them into signing it.

After reading the first Fifty Shades of Grey I  was left feeling  uneasy.  I had been hearing people rave about this book and how they would like a real life Christian Grey, but whilst I was reading it I recognised all the  personality traits that my domestic abuser had.  When comparing Christian Grey to any domestic abuse/violence warning sign check list it becomes more apparent.  So I thought it was worthwhile to go through the list warning sign at a time and illustrate where Christian is behaving in this manner.  Hopefully after reading this it will help diminish the "fantasy" of a "dream man" Christian Grey.  Yes, these men are easy to fall for as they are often "charm" personified but behind this charm front lies a very dangerous and disturbed personality.

Domestic Abuse Warning Signs


Jealousy
Christian shows his jealousy right from the very beginning when there is tension with Paul in the hardware store.  More apparently with his jealousy of her friend Jose.  Ana could have handled Jose's approaches on her own but Christian turns up out the blue and steps in, making the whole situation blow completely out of proportion. Ana herself is aware of the jealous nature as she teases Christian with an image of a hunky masseur, which she knows will wind him up.  Also on the plane journey she wonders why she is the only person both times with an empty seat next to her.  Could Christian have bought the seat so that no one sat next to her? The answer to this is almost certainly yes, he had the money and being a jealous type he wouldn't have wanted to risk having a man sit next to her incase they started up a conversation.

Constantly checking up on partner - stalking

Well after all the hype surrounding this book,  I decided to read this book and am just about half way through.  What I have found so far is ringing every alarm bell...even reading the synopsis on the back of the book was worrying.  From what I have read I can categorically say to that Christian Grey is real, his characteristics can be found in most domestic abusive men....as 1 in 4 women who have suffered an abusive relationship will tell you.  

So far I have read how Christian :

• has a controlling nature
• is manipulative
• has mood swings, can be playful one minute but turns nasty the minute that Ana does or says something that he does not agree with
• Wants Ana to be "his", he wants to own her like a piece of property
• Thinks she should be punished if she doesn't do exactly as he says
• See's her close friends eg: Kate as threats, mainly because he knows Kate can see straight through him
• Is jealous of the men in her life
• Stalks her to find out where she is 
• Turns up unexpectedly at her house
• Wants to tell her what to wear

All of these characteristics can be found in any article writing about the signs to look out for in domestic abusive men and relationships.  Unfortunately the amount of women who are swooning over this person have all been swept up in the "charm" that he also demonstrates, which is the same charm that most of the women who found themselves in domestic relationships fell for.

I am going to continue to read the books because I am interested to see how it turns out , but so far all the signs are there.  Women may thinkong they want their own Christian Grey in real life ....but believe me there are no happy endings with this type of controlling man, however exciting they seem initially.

Domestic abuse is hitting the headlines with Shane Jenkin's sentencing for his horrific attack on his girlfriend Tina Nash a year ago.  Like many people who have read this story I was utterly shocked and horrified by the things this abusive man did to his partner.  Since the attack the pain that this woman has had to live through both physically and mentally is unthinkable ...no one should ever have to experience anything like this and my heart goes out to her.  

The story raised comments off  people on social media sites as to how could people carry out such cruel acts, the terms "monster", "evil" and "sick" have been used to describe him.  The general public have been utterly shocked by this horrendous, evil act.  I too found the details painful to read, but like the 1 in 4 women who have suffered from domestic abuse, I also read the story and listened to Tina's interviews with a chilling sense of familiarity.  Some of the things she described could have been written by me, or be many of the other women who have talked about their domestic abusive relationships .....but I was lucky I got out before it was too late.  

Like Tina and all the other women who have suffered under the rule of an abuser, I stayed for too long in the hope that he would  keep the charming side that also made appearances during the relationship, hoping he would change, get help, realise what he was doing.  The nurturing side of me wanted to help him...but make no mistake these men cannot be helped.  They have no consciences so they do no think like us.  They are capable of anything, dangerous acts that we as decent, caring people with consciences could not even begin to comprehend.  

Read any domestic abuse forum, news article etc and you will see a pattern, these abusive men are strikingly similar.  Dennis Waterman admitted his ex wife Rula Lenska ....but it was not his fault.  Shane Jenkin throttled Tina Nash while she was in bed and gauged her eyes out with his fingers whilst she was unconscious and she came round to him saying "Oh my god your eye is hanging out of your head" and "its' all your fault, I'm going to get years for this". He even tried to make up a ridiculous story about a group of women carrying out the attack on her.   Abusers never take full responsibility for what they have done.  It will always be the victims fault, or they may try for the diminished responsibility angle and claim to have been under the influence of drink, drugs, mental illness.  

The terrible truth is that these abusive people know exactly what they are doing and are in full control of their actions.  They can carry out these awful things because inside they are cold, not capable of real human emotion,  they do not know how to love, they have no conscience and all they strive for is control over someone else.  The first thing they do after committing one of these acts is to think of themselves - how will they look to the outside world?, what excuse can they make up for what they have done,  how long will they have to go to prison for?  how is this going to affect them?  There is chillingly no sense of remorse or sympathy to the actual victim which is why it tellingly took 12 hours of pleading after the attack before Shane Jenkin allowed Tina's son to call for help.  I have heard how abusers threaten to break their partners neck, get their hands round their throats, cover their partners mouth and nose to prevent them crying for help so that the only way out is to fake collapse so you don't actual suffocate....does the abuser then realise he has gone to far?.....No instead he will step over the collapsed woman on the floor maybe kicking her on the way past ....and leave the room...not once checking if she is OK.  Only to then start again once the woman has come round saying "you can't keep making me this angry ", "this was all your fault", "look what you made me do".  There may be a gap before the next attack where everything seems normal, but the statistics show that there will be a next time...and the attack will be worse than its previous one.

Tina is a brave and courageous woman who has faced challenges everyday since the attack, but inspiringly what is important to her now is to live her life to the full, look after her sons, raise domestic awareness and pass on the important message that can save lives:

IF YOU ARE IN A DOMESTIC ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, ASK FOR HELP AND GET OUT SAFELY, AND NEVER RETURN!!!!  These relationships never get better, they always get worse, never under estimate what these people are capable of, they can cause unthinkable damage, destroy lives and kill (2 women a week die form domestic abuse).  There is support out there ....if you suspect you are in a relationship like this please ask for advice.  It could save your life.  Once you have left the relationship BREAK ALL CONTACT........End the control and start to live a life that will be more rewarding and fulfilling whatever happens because you will be the person in control of it ! 

If you need help there are links to Womens Aid on my website.  Make the change today xx