Charm is a clever tactic used to lure you and it is often difficult for even the most level headed person not to be flattered and fall for all the common abuser lines. Time and time again on domestic abuse forums women quote the following lines that their abusive partner has said, for example:
"in you I've found my soulmate"
"I've never met anyone like you"
"You are the love of my life"
"No one else knows me like you do"
"I've never loved anyone like I love you"
"You are all that I want"
"I can't continue life without you"
These are just words meant to catch your heart and quite often the declaration of undying love will happen fairly early on in the relationship. There is a motive behind saying these words quickly ....the quicker they get you "hooked", the quicker they can head toward their ultimate goal, which is to gain full control of you. Make no mistake, the thing that we often mistake as love from an abuser is never love. Abusers do not know how to love, their only aim in life is to feel powerful and they gain their power by taking control of someone else.
Ask yourself these questions - could you ever intentionally hurt the person you love most in the world? Could you watch them break down uncontrollably sobbing because of the things that you have said or done to them? Thankfully for most people the answer to these questions will be "No". The majority of us have a conscience which leads us to act with decency and love towards other human because of the need to bond with others.
After reading "The Sociopath Next Door" Martha Stout it made sense why abusive men say things like they were "lashing out" at how easy their partners found it to be nice, or other good qualities: compassion, kindness, strength of character, intellect. They are "lashing out" because they will never have the bonds that their partners have with other people. The bonds that abusers do have are illusional because unlike the majority, they do not have a conscience to keep them bonded. This is how they can repeatedly, and intentionally say cruel things and mentally and physically harm their partner, whilst putting on a display of "love" to the rest of the world. They are jealous of the attributes that we mistakenly believe most human beings have, but that abusive lack.
Abusers are sociopaths with no sense of real belonging in the world. This is why domestic abuse victims often report their abusive partners as having said that they "don't know eho they are" or "feel empty inside". These are probably the only true words that come out of an abusers mouth. Their lack of identity and lack of conscience enables them to do whatever they want without feeling any remorse.
Their whole purpose in life is to win, to "get one up on people", to gain power. Whent they do "nice acts" there is normally a motive behind them, it is normally to get people exactly where they want them to be. Their real nature is a disturbing coldness, devoid of any real emotion. They aim to gain their partners love and trust, they normally pick nice people with the ability to become most vunerable due to their high levels of moral conscience. Their thrill comes when they completely undermine their partners faith and destroy those qualities that they, as sociopath abusers devoid of conscience, can never have.
If you are entering a new relationship be very wary of people who are overtly charming, those who sweep you off your feet and promise you the world and more. Try and keep your wits about you and remember the old saying that if something is too good to be true....it generally is!!